Last Modified 22 June 1998

Crazed Visitors since 26th Dec 1997

So What's New Now, mr brown?

June 22 1998 Monday

The World Cup is still on, and as most countries come to a standstill, with wars, housework and sexual activity only happening only during half-time, Singapore National Education Part 45 continues to be done. I am a giving kind of guy, I guess.

Speaking of good catches, I have (under gunpoint by my engineer brother-in-law) included a little mini-thesis on why engineers make Good Husbands. For the blokes who need to get the women off their backs for this World Cup, here are some tips you can pass along to your better half.

And last I checked, the job market and economy still sucks (trust me, I looked out of the window to check). So here are more strange true-life stuff people write in their resumes, and I trust you will make good use of them to apply for your jobs. Just make sure you do not let these virii (or viruses? Darn) in your computer when you type out your CVs. If you want to be even more socially savvy in computerspeak, try learning the jargon here.

Have you ever wanted to get back at bozo telemarketers who call you at ridiculous hours or page you to conduct "lifestyle surveys"? Here is your chance. And if you need some fruit to throw at them, try these.

I hope this issue keeps you readers happy. At least it is something to do between matches. And for goodness's sake, get your MC from different doctors. Must I teach you everything?

Previous Editorials

June 9 1998 Tuesday

This is the month when men all over the world will ignore their spouses and girlfriends, forget the names of their children, and go to work with eye-bags bigger than the briefcases they carry. The World Cup is here.

Tomorrow is the first match of this great event and I have already stocked up on my potato chips, coffee and party hats. That is why I burned rubber to finish this edition of Browntown today, complete with Singapore National Education Part 44.

In the light of the current job crisis, I have a little Performance Review in Contributions, as well as ways to beat stress. And don't be depressed about our problems, other people have had far worse days. And other people do stupider things too. If you feel bored while waiting for the second half to begin, call our Psychiatric Hotline. How about surfing the Internet during the interval? Just make sure your browser accepts cookies when you go to Microsoft's site. And take a look at two different news reports about our Everest attempt.

After reading Alan Khoo's tirade at my site's lack of naughty pics, I thought of including some hot shots like those you find in (the now-banned) FHM's pages. And those of you who do not believe Suharto was doing enough to fight the fires in Indonesia, take a look at this rare picture.

Oh, Studman is back. Love him or hate him, our resident cartoonist is back with a few views of his own. I will be creating a separate page for his previous cartoons soon. So watch for it.

Don't worry about Browntown. I will still update the site during the World Cup season. I will have a fair bit of time between matches to come up with more nonsense. And I am not planning any kind of major withdrawal from my little project anytime soon. Unlike the S$30 billion Suzhou thing, I do not yet need to engage in "software transfer" by handing over management control of my project to the Chinese authorities. So not to worry.

May 26 1998 Tuesday

Recently I finally saw Browntown and SNE on TV. Sort of. I was toying with the demo unit of a Philips MyWeb console, a box that lets you surf the Net with your TV. It was a very surreal experience, seeing Browntown on TV. For one thing, the screen flicker was obvious and the words looked very fuzzy. But the main reason for my discomfort was seeing Singapore National Education Part 43 on boob tube (new fashion fad for Pamela Anderson?). Suddenly, my site looked so, public.

Another thing on TV that caused me discomfort (mainly digestive) was VR Man. Which, as you all know, is a powerful drama with slick $70-million special effects and James Lye in a diver's suit. Gabe gives us the true story on his powers in his latest Top Ten List.

Since we are talking millions here, how about a way to raise funds for our next big-movie project with this Nigerian scheme? And for you answering machine addicts, I have included a list of useful messages for fun and profit. The Sociopathic Obsessive Compulsives among you will enjoy Peter's Laws. And check out the next Microsoft bombshell (not Windows 98 but close).

And I know I have not been as regular with Browntown and SNE this month, but I am just getting my rhythm back after adjusting to a new job and new shift work, so bear with me. I make nothing off this little site and I am doing this issue alone at 4am in the morning, with work just 2 hours away.

Before I sign off, I need to make the necessary congratulations to the Everest Team for their success in reaching the summit. You have done us proud. But guys, next time bring more rope, ok?

May 15 1998 Friday

This has not been a terribly good week. One Malaysian reader corrected me on the Malaysian National Education article I ran in Contributions last issue, saying that Malaysians never say "chin chow" but refer to the drink as "liong fun". I would like to apologise for this travesty, I never meant to mislead anyone. Though I must add that I did not write the article and neither did my contributor. It was forwarded piece of work.

I also got some hate mail from another Malaysian reader who stumbled on my site while looking for more content of the naked kind. I have censored some of his language to protect our younger readers and also not included his email address in case he gets mail-bombed by well-meaning readers.

From: "Alan Khoo" <#&$%!*&@tm.net.my>
To: <mrbrown@cyberdude.com>
Subject: MORON
Date: Wed, 6 May 1998 17:12:14 -0700

I think you are wrong the knock the country that once rules your sorry asses. Besides you are wrong to critisize us the way you did, you bunch of tight ass dumbf*cks think you're all that...but you're not ! And besides all this, i'm dissappointed in coming in to your f*cked up page, i was looking for some adult pics.

So to put everything in a few words....F*CK OFF SINGAPOREAN D*CKLESS F*CK ! And don't ever come to our country to buy anything...PR*CK

 

In the light of this tirade, I decided to try putting out a Special Offend-No-One Edition of Singapore National Education (SNE Part 42A) in addition to my SNE Part 42. I have to say that putting together the Special Offend-No-One Edition was one of the most difficult undertakings of my SNE career. I hope you enjoy it, especially Alan (not his real name).

I was not able to do anything about the adult stuff he was looking for, though I did include some contributions on Cybersex and Chickens, and a Gallery shot of a van that someone like Alan would like to drive.

In support of the Arts, I got some poetry in Contributions too. Something by a Black Shakespeare and another, more serious one from a reader. For those of you struggling with the Year 2000 problem, take a peek at the Diary of a Tech Support Guy, and understand why you never get your computer problems addressed. And find out the evil truth behind the side effects of ERP gantries.

I forgot to mention last issue that I have also included a page to get Browntown logos for linking up to Browntown. Of course if you desire to use that unofficial cute little doggy gif, I have no objections either.

And speaking of links, Browntown gets a little link in Pacific Internet's hompage! I am so flattered. I am now working on my IPO.

Have fun, and don't go participating in Government tenders without a firm consortium partner, ok?

May 2 1998 Saturday

Whatta week. I mean, when I said "go out there and do something really stupid this week", I did not expect people to take my words literally. How else do explain the P2P fiasco?

The week was not all bad. I am seeing a doubling of daily visits to Browntown, which is nice. And just the other day, I had my first close encounter with some real fans. Two readers actually recognised me at my place of work (a very public place where I thought I would be able to slip quietly into the surroundings) and asked me if I was mr brown! My very first stalkers!

And one of them is a psychiatrist too! A real shrink from Woodbridge. How apt.

Since this is Labour Day, I thought I would make a few messages of my own. Hang on to your jobs, cut down on your spending, and stop thinking that our economy is invincible. Because, baby, you ain't seen the shit hit the fan yet.

Oh, by the way, a producer friend of mine is looking for aspiring singers to groom. If you interested, send some nice photos of yourself, a demo tape and some groveling mail to:

I Want to be a Star, Baby
c/o mr brown
60 Jalan Senang
Singapore 418349

You should be able to sing in Chinese and English. If not, Chinese is preferable. This is not one of my jokes, folks. This is the real thing.

I have included lots of goodies in this issue. Singapore National Education Part 41 is out. In Contributions, I have something on Hawkers, something on Army slang, something on cookies, something on Minnesota winters, and something on Malaysia National Education. Musings is also updated, with Toys Is Us. And take a look at the Two Stupidest ATM Locations in Singapore again.

Have fun and don't hurt yourself.

19 April 1998 Sunday

This has been quite an eventful week for our little island. Some kid got slapped in a bookstore, and our PM met with the PM of Malaysia at the Second Link, and the software pirates got clamped down. Not that any of this is related, you understand. But it sure makes great news.

And I am sure they make great photo opportunities too, if only we can all get hold of some of those Limited Edition Straits Times 3D glasses so that we can make out some of their New Look photos in the New Look Straits Times. It's not that the photos are fuzzy. We need to buy new glasses.

Still, there is always Singapore National Education Part 40 to read. All text, hardly any fuzzy photos (hardly any photos, for that matter), but free. We've got a great (not fuzzy) photo of the enrolment banner of Singapore's Top 10 Elite Special Assistance Plan Gifted Program Value-Added Independent Autonomous Pre-Nursery, in Gallery too.

For you text junkies, we've included in this issue of Browntown, the Top Ten promises made in the deal between Iraq and the US, and the Top Ten ways the traumatised kid has been affected since being slapped by stranger in bookstore. For those of you still looking for a job in this crummy job market ("sorree, we onnee wan pipple wif at least two to three years expelience one."), read some of our Career Tips and get that career you really want.

Have you ever watched a Hong Kong movie and not understood what the Cantonese actors were saying? Even after they dubbed the whole movie in Mandarin with 2 dubbing artistes who did all 89 voices? Fret no more. Read the Best Hong Kong Film Subtitles! And we have something too, just for the guys. Browntown knows your pain, men.

So there you have it. Here's hoping for another exciting and eventful week ahead (maybe two more cars might use the Second Link this week!). Because, hey, if nothing happens, I cannot make fun of it. So go out there and do something really stupid this week, ok?

Oh, and the censors really cut off chunks of that Ally McBeal episode last week with Ally telling her dirty joke.

I would also like to plug my latest work at Asia Online, a really neat online magazine. You can find the article "Doom Gloom Go Away" (or "Seven Steps to Fiscal Fitness") in the March issue. And you will not find that article here as it is an exclusive for them. Do drop by and check out their radical magazine. And tell them mr brown sent you. Enjoy.

For those new to my little world, feel free to browse the site and check out the articles. For the Singapore National Education Series, it will help if you are Singaporean and keep up with the local news but it is not essential. You just have to watch a lot of TV. Especially bad TV (in Singapore that is not difficult).

Please be patient if the grammer is wrong, some of the graphics don't look right or the website makes your browser explode, as I am always trying new stuff with the site. Be nice, I will be improving the place as I go along. I plan on including animated pictures of naked multimedia penguins and other such tasteful enhancements.

If you have any inane contributions to, or nice things to say about, my humble little webzine, please email me. Especially if you have animated pictures of naked multimedia penguins.

And lastly, thank you for scrolling so far, it can be quite tiring, I know.