Psychiatric Hotline

Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press one repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press two.

If you have multiple personalities, please press three, four, five, and six.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace your call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer!

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.