Malaysia National Education
Sent by a friend from the cybervine... Woo-hooo... imitation is the sincerest form of flattery! Malaysian 's National Education Series by Mr Black. For all you M'sians out there...
NATIONAL FLOWER:
Bunga Raya (Hibiscus).
NATIONAL CAR:
Proton.
2nd NATIONAL CAR:
Perodua Kancil.
3rd NATIONAL CAR:
Perodua Tikus it's suppose to be half the size of the Kancil, but somehow Malaysian drivers will still be able to squeeze in 6 or 7 passengers.
NATIONAL RICE COOKER:
National Rice Cooker 99% of Malaysian households use a National Rice Cooker, the other 1% don't eat rice.
NATIONAL DOG NAME:
Lucky or Poppy. Every self-respecting mongrel in Malaysia who has an owner will invariably be called Poppy or Lucky.
NATIONAL BREAKFAST (ON THE WAY TO WORK): Nasi Lemak. Who cooks and eats nasi lemak at home for breakfast?
NATIONAL BREAKFAST (AT HOME):
Maggi Mee. Also the national lunch and dinner if you're an outstation student, bachelor, neglected husband, lazy fella, etc.
NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR HAIR LOSS:
Maggi Mee.
NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE:
Traffic Jam.
NATIONAL CONDOM:
None. Most Malaysians still feel embarrassed buying condoms. So they rush in to a Seven Eleven, hurriedly grab the nearest pack, any pack, pay and leave before the cashier can even blink an eye. If it's not available,Malaysians optimistically apply the other birth control method. (See below)
NATIONAL FRUIT FOR INDUCING MENSTRUATION:
Pineapple.
NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK:
Stout. Many swear by it. But after a few pints they start swearing at everything...
NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (MEN):
Food Poisoning.
NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (WOMEN):
Menstrual Pain.
NATIONAL CURE FOR HEADACHES:
Panadol the "cure all" for Malaysians. If it fails we have another secret weapon; Tiger Balm.
NATIONAL CURE FOR DIZZINESS:
Minyak Angin Cap Kapak
NATIONAL CAUSE OF DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES):
Happy Hours
NATIONAL INSTANT CURE FOR DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES):
The sight of a police road block.
NATIONAL CURE FOR DIARRHOEA:
Pil 'ChiKit'Teck Aun. The miracle cure! It works. 10 minutes and you're "dried" up. Always pack some of this stuff when you're travelling.
NATIONAL CAUSE OF CONSTIPATION:
Pil 'ChiKit' Teck Aun. The pills are so tiny it's easy to swallow an extra mouthful and overdose on it. No one can help you here.
NATIONAL CURE FOR "HEATINESS":
Eno, Leng Chee Kang, Chinese Herbal Tea, Tonic Water, Barley Drink, Chin Chau.
NATIONAL PASTIME ON WEEKENDS:
Queuing up patiently at Magnum 4D shops. This is very strange. On week days you'll find the same people jumping queues, elbowing the next guy at the bus stops, train stations, etc.
THEORY & REALITY.
The probability of you winning the first prize at a 4D game is 10000 to 1. Hard to comprehend? Imagine you're at the Merdeka Stadium and you're standing on the field facing the grandstand. There are only 10000 spectators and you have lost your car keys. One of these guys in the crowd have found your keys. I give you only one chance to pinpoint that guy. No way right?!
So much for the theory. Now for the reality. Malaysians are an optimistic lot and I believe that the possibility of your lucky number coming up in a permutation is always almost 10 to 1. That is why the next morning at the kopi tiam, someone will be screaming %#*&!Na Phui! Number Terbalik! My good friend Loo Singh, a regular punter has offered the following tips:
When you're at any KTM (Kuda, Toto, Magnum) outlets always avoid a queue consisting mainly of Chinese. These fellas don't like pen and paper. They bark their bets across the counter causing unnecessary delays.
Avoid the queue where there are many Indians. Indians like to place RM 1 bets. Only problem is they place about 200 RM 1 bets at the same time. The whole of Sentul probably "tumpang" him. Go for the queue where there are many Malays and Indonesians. Usually, they place small bets and only on one number.
NATIONAL WATCH FOR TYCOONS:
Rolex. Usually the model with the gold bracelet and diamond studded bezel.
NATIONAL WATCH FOR YUPPIES:
Tag Heuer. Every yuppie's musthave "show off" accessory. Usually further down the wrist, in the palm is a tiny Motorola StarTac cellular phone. The irony is that Motorola spent much time and effort inventing a phone that can sit comfortably inside the shirt pocket.
NATIONAL WATCH FOR THE REST OF US:
Rolex, Tag Hauer, Raymond Weil or Patek Philippe from Petaling Street.
NATIONAL FORMULA ONE DRIVERS:
Mini Bus Drivers.
NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP:
Anywhere. As long as it is not your house.
NATIONAL FINANCE COMPANY:
Kedai Pajak Gadai (Pawn Shop). My Tag Hauer is now proudly on display there.
NATIONAL SNACK WHEN WATCHING A MOVIE:
Smelly cuttlefish (during the trailers), Kua chee (during the movie).
NATIONAL PLACES FOR SMOOCHING:
Lake Gardens, cinemas and reservoirs.
NATIONAL PLACES FOR PEEPING TOMS:
Lake Gardens, cinemas and reservoirs
NATIONAL JAGA KERETA:
Wilson.
NATIONAL MOST MISPRONOUNCED NAME:
Carrefour. Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4 or Car Fu!
NATIONAL ANTHEM OF PETALING STREET:
"Lemon Tree." Natural successor: "Barbie Girl".
NATIONAL ROAD
Jalan Tun Razak. On a short stretch there's the National Theatre, National Heart Institute and the National Library.
NATIONAL BEHAVIOUR AT ANNUAL DINNERS:
Attacking the Balloons. This one I can never figure out. When the balloons are dropped from the ballroom's ceiling, grown men in tuxedos, women, children, even the waiters will attack the balloons like savages. They squash and stomp on the balloons so ferociously until not one
single inflated balloon is left. They take no prisoners. They then quietly march out of the ballroom like victorious soldiers leaving behind a trail of death and destruction. Animals!
NATIONAL DECEPTION:
The Wonder Bra Ever wonder why your girlfriend or wife suddenly looks incredibly shapely when she's dressed up for a party? It's the WonderBra! At this point if you experience a sudden uncontrollable urge for a quickie, she'll most likely give you the standard national response: "I don't want to mess up my makeup".
NATIONAL ROADSIDE DISTRACTION:
The Braless Tourist. See how heads turn and traffic slows down when a braless Mat Salleh backpacker goes bouncing about on the streets of KL.
NATIONAL POSE:
Stick 2 fingers. Another one which I can't figure out. When you're having your picture taken, the friend behind you will always place two "horns" on your head.
THE END
Contributed by Cai Sa
