Toys Is Us

by mrbrown@mrbrown.com

(Feel free to distribute for non-profit and non-commercial purposes but keep my byline, email address and URL intact please. Thanks)

I love gadgets. Anyone who knows me will attest to that fact. I own just about every other gadget on the planet. I have miles of audio/video/computer cables, tons of digital diaries, old computer parts, torchlights (oh how I love torchlights!), batteries, VCRs, and all manner of hardware. Let me put it another way: I know how to set the digital clock on my VCR (so that it does not blink 12:00 all day long) and I know how to use its timer record function, I use the "Double Boil" feature on my microwave, I understand all my handphone features. That's the kind of gadget stud I am.

I just bought a micro-cassette recorder. One look at the small size and many buttons and I was hooked. I had always wanted to get one but couldn't find the excuse. But now, I told myself, I needed it to record thoughts for my Singapore National Education series, while I was driving. Yep, I decided that I shouldn't risk life and limb trying to write down my latest toilet joke while driving down the CTE, because, as those helpful Traffic Police ads tell you, it is not safe to drive and write toilet jokes at the same time ("If You Are Writing Toilet Jokes, Don't Drive"). Soooo, I gotta get me one of these suckers.

My wife says I have a new toy. She is right, of course, but she, like many females (I am thinking of my mom here) does not understand the primal urges that a man has at a hormonal level, to buy cool stuff.

You cannot, for instance, let me near a hardware store. I love hardware stores. I may not build homes and make my own furniture but when I walk into a hardware store, I will feel a deep male need to drill some holes (the wood kind).

"Yes, I really do need that power drill, dear. Remember that huge wedding portrait I keep putting off hanging up? Well, now, with this $500 'Block and Dicker' Powerdrill with the free polishing attachment, I can!"

"But we will always have a need for a shovel! Think of the money we will save not hiring a man to shovel our sidewalk! I know we don't have a sidewalk outside our flat and it does not snow this near the Equator but that's not the point!"

"Wow, this Swiss Army knife has 58 different tools, and all of them I need. What do you mean do I really need the nose-hair clipper tool? Hey, I might have to kill a snake on the way to pick you up from work along the CTE, okay? You want me to be adequately armed, right?"

That is the reason I am now under a life ban from entering hardware stores. And under therapy for it too. All because my hormones make me what I am. A man must own hardware, dammit!

My wife, on the other hand, has a serious weakness for stationery shops. It does not matter that we have enough pens, pencils, mechanical pencils, mechancial pens, rulers, erasers, staplers, hole-punchers and cute little round stickers you paste over the holes you make with a hole-puncher, to start our own stationery superstore. Noooo, once we are in a stationery department, her eyes glaze over, and she starts to make a mental checklist of the stuff she "needs" to get for her work.

But I think men have more "needs". For instance, the other gadget that really gets my "needs" mojo going is a pager.

I have owned many pagers. Each time I buy a new one, it is for a very important business reason, like the colour of the casing (Ice-Blue! Fire Engine Red!) or the two extra nicer melodies it has (The Marcarena and Lemon Tree -- Hokkien Dance version). You can't argue with logic like that. Singtel Paging loves me. In fact, I believe the new paging companies all came to set up shop in Singapore because they heard of customers like me.

"New improved model! Now with everything you have in your present model, but with a gold chain and a new font!"

How do you resist that kind of temptation?

I also have a great weakness for torchlights. Ever since I moved to my new home with Ginny, I have purchased no less than 4 torches. I have a tiny one I attach to my car key chain, this is for those life-threatening moments when I have to find my seat in the dark cinema.

I also have a huge Lantern that eats "D" Cells for breakfast. It has this Krypton bulb (from Superman's home world, no doubt) that gives me more light than my ceiling lights. This is for emergencies like blackouts and earthquakes.

I have a diving torch that is waterproof and floats. I do not dive but hey, you'll never know. A bad flood can reach the 16th floor.

Last but not least (that is, I may buy some more), I have a torch that has a flourescent light, a krypton light and a blinking red-and-orange warning light. This is for car emergencies or when I want to play Police and Thief.

I think I got my love of torches from watching Star Wars at young age. That Lightsaber was too cool and the closest I would ever get to owning one would be to become a Jedi Knight or buy torches. The Jedi bit was too hard and I gave up after trying to lift my washing machine with The Force (I got The Headache). I need to cut down on watching overly imaginative movies.

The other day, I saw this Bengmobile (it was a yellow Honda CRX) with two guys sitting inside watching a Stephen Chow movie. I am not kidding. They had a 5-inch screen on the dashboard and it was screening a Stephen Chow movie. Can you beat that? I found out later that this TV thing has a built-in VCD and CD player. Wow. Think of the many minutes of fun you will have, driving the long long intercontinental distances from Point A to Point B in Singapore, and killing time watching Stephen Chow movies.

And killing yourself too, but that is irrelevant.

Heck, while we are at it, why don't we throw in a Sony Playstation or Sega Saturn into that setup? Then we would really be cooking! "Virtue Fighter vs Telebubbies, Super Turbo Special Edition" while waiting at the traffic lights! What a great idea.

And we could even have, like, Teletext on that TV! Check on your stocks and shares while overtaking that auntie in front of you! Make sure you don't miss a single price movement!

I am speaking from jealousy, of course. If I had a yellow CRX Bengmobile, I would get me one of those TV things too. Even if I only watch it when I am waiting for my wife at her workplace car park. Even if I have to keep my car idling to get enough juice to the car batteries to run the thing, like the two Bengs were doing. The cool factor will be too big to resist.

Me, I am holding out for better gadgets for now. I am waiting for them to put in something truly useful in the car, like night vision goggles. Those would really be neat. I could drive without the lights on and still see everyone. Of course the other cars would have problems seeing me, but if I paint my car yellow, that should take care of it. Or maybe I could turn on one of my Jedi torches.

All fan mail and soft toys may be directed at mrbrown@mrbrown.com

Other writings may be found in the Website "BrownTown" at http://www.mrbrown.com