[ About | Home | Musings | S.N.E. | Gallery | Contributions | Poetry | Email ]
Singapore National Education
Part 45
by mr brown
Week of 9 June to 22 June 1998
(Feel free to distribute for non-profit and non-commercial purposes but keep my byline, email address and URL intact please. Thanks)
I have also learned lately:
1. That the Government is organising a S$10-million-dollar National Education exhibition and Singapore National Education by mr brown will not be part of it.
2. That there are Godzilla toys available which have a huge hole located below its tail for you to put your hand into, to control the lizard like a puppet. This is so you can say you have your hand up Godzilla's ass.
Shameless plug: See the Godzilla of Fruits in this little shot sent to me by a reader.
3. That India wrote in the Straits Times lately that India does want disarmament. They are helping accelerate this global process by going nuclear.
4. That the new Shell petrol, Shell XO, has a really neat feature that Singaporeans really care about when they buy petrol to put into their petrol tanks -- the petrol has the "colour of the sea". I personally spill some when I pump up my car with Shell XO so that I can appreciate the effort Shell puts into making the petrol into a aesthetically pleasing colour.
5. That MS Word may need Viagra to work. Why do I say that? Try the following:
a. Open a new document in Word.
b. Type "Unable to follow directions" (without the quotes).
c. Highlight the entire sentence you just typed.
d. Click Tools; Language; Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to open the Thesaurus).
Now you know why Word was made by MicroSOFT. (Thanks Helion and Cai Sa)
6. That the next time you receive a page from those kind Timeshare marketing folk who tell you (and 50,000 other people) that you have won a pair of free tickets to an exotic land but only if you come down and listen to their 2 hour presentation blah blah blah, tell them to donate your lucky tickets to charity.
Shameless plug: Here are some other fun ways to deal with telemarketers.
7. That we now have upgraded the M113 APC (Anti-Personnel Carrier), with new armour, weaponry and air-conditioning. They have also added a new guest room, upgraded the toilets from the squatting to the sitting kind, and improved the lift lobbies. This is in line with the military's time-honoured policy of "if we can upgrade it, we won't buy newer stuff". Other war relics that have been upgraded in Singapore include the AMX-13 Light Tank, F-5 fighter, A4 Skyhawk and the bicycles used by the Japanese to invade Singapore in World War Two.
The new M113 APCs are called "Ultras". This is to make the old APCs sound modern and high-tech. It is also because they can only operate on earth for only 3 minutes, after which a red warning light will flash and they have to cross their arms and shoot their Ultra-rays at the monster and quickly fly back to their home planet.
Soldiers assigned to the "Ultra" battalion are known as Ultramen. In Cantonese dialect, they are called "Harm Tan Chew Yan", or "Salted Egg Super Hero".
Other military hardware (like Army food) may be upgraded as long as the ruling party gets the mandate to govern at the next elections, with at least an 80% win at the polls.
8. That Ricky Martin's Spanish song (this year's Marcarena), whose title is, in Spanish, "One Two Three", sung in English, is almost as bad as Titanic's "My Heart Will Go On" sung in Mandarin.
9. That the World Cup, which is held in France (where even the live telecasts show the teams' country in French), has a Latin American theme song based on Ricky Martin's "One Two Three" song.
World Cup trivia: Croatia has a player whose name sounds a lot like Sonofabitch.
10. That my wife, with no previous interest in soccer, suddenly watches enthusiastically the Japan-Croatia match. I found out later that her colleague told her the Japanese goalie is cute.
Shameless plug: Some advice from men to women here.
11. That the best compliment you can make about a vacuum cleaner is to say it really sucks.
12. That a man wanted fame so badly that he faked two letters from two supposed foreign motorists, a Finn and a Malaysian, praising him for his road courtesy. The letters won him the Spot the Courteous Motorist award last August.
He was found out this year though, and he lost his job, his award and his face. He also got his photo featured again in the papers, this time as a fraud and was fined $3000 for cheating. All this for a little fame and a cheesy $70 hamper (which he had generously given away to some foreign workers).
If he wanted some real fame, he should have run as a vocal opposition candidate at the last elections, preferably on the Race and Religion platform. Look how famous and successful Pauline Hanson is Down Under now, the preferred sanctuary of many discerning political tourists from Singapore.
13. That in the midst of the Asian Crisis, a Sign of the Times has popped up in the most unlikely of places. Seen at the 1st floor Ladies toilet of Isetan Orchard at Lido, adjacent to the Men's toilet, was the sign "Cleaning in Progress. Please Use the Next Toilet". (Thanks Cai Sa)
14. That Ginger Spice, Geri Halliwell, may be going into a acting career, aside from a solo singing career. She will be joining hallowed ranks of actresses who have made the transition from pretty face with big boobs, to pretty face with big boobs who cannot act. Pam Anderson comes to mind.
In a bid to improve her thespian skills, Ginger says that she will be trying to develop an interest in women.
15. That Texas Instruments has retrenched 600 workers and closed down their Singapore integrated circuit plant and moved the entire operation to Taiwan. This move to Taipei "recognises the need for improved operational efficiencies and cost competitiveness", says manufacturing operations manager, Mr Dennis Robbins. In English, this means it is cheaper for them to be in Taiwan than it is for them to be in Singapore.
The move, says TI's managing director, Mr Goh Geok Ling, in no way reflects badly on Singapore. Yeah right. They think Singapore is so wonderful that they are moving out.
16. That a recent survey showed that 8 in 10 Singaporeans have faith in the Government's ability. But some of the other figures are disturbing:
I trust the Government's ability to run the country: 88%
I am informed when new policies are implemented: 67%
I have enough info to make good suggestions: 37%
The Government should consult me before implementing policies: 67%
The Government consults me before implementing polices: 22%
The Government can take criticism: 28%
The Government is open and easy to talk to: 34%
The Government is open to good suggestions: 57%
I trust my MP to represent my interests: 52%
There are enough feedback channels: 45%
There is freedom of speech here: 25%
Media reports are independent of the Government: 19%
Naturally, the Straits Times headline screams "8 in 10 have faith in Govt", instead of "3 in 4 think Singapore has no freedom of speech" or "7 in 10 think Govt is thin-skinned". How many thought the media reports were unbiased again?
17. That the new Viagra drug planned for women may be called Niagara.
18. That the special effects on VR Man proves once and for all that you can still use a 286 PC and BASIC to do something useful.
19. That Seagate recently sacked about 100 workers and hauled about half the lot to court for using fake MCs from JB's Sultanah Aminah hospital. Of course the hospital knows nothing about how entire bucketloads of their Medical Certificates got into the hands of the fake MC syndicate (maybe they bought the booklets at the hospital's Seven-Eleven).
According to a reliable source, the fake MC problem has been around for a long time, way before this economic crisis started. The dead giveaway was the fact that some of the staff using these fake MCs had MCs with running numbers, as if they all went to the JB hospital at the same time, one after the other. But when times are good, I suppose you can close one eye.
You know, this may be a wild idea but isn't this a great way to retrench workers and save a little money on retrenchment pay? Forget retraining, forget retrenchment, forget downsizing -- just sack your employees and send them to court for using fake MCs.
Let's see now, 100 production operators getting at least one month's severance pay (at least $1000, not including the $200 introduce-your-friend bonuses), that's $100,000 saved. If it was six months' pay each, then the savings could be as high as $600,000. What a great way to snuff out the MC problem and trim some fat.
Shameless plug: They say engineers make the best husbands, find out why.
20. That the rate at which Singaporeans fall into a deep REM sleep while traveling on MRT trains and public buses is directly proportional to the number of disabled, elderly and pregnant people standing in front of his seat.
21. That people paying for their TV license already "kow peh kow bu" (complaining) because they are still getting lousy TV programs, and TCS wants us to upgrade our computers, subscribe to the notoriously expensive and unreliable Magix ADSL modem service, and pay an extra $15 per month to watch their programmes on our tiny computer monitors.
The service, called One-on-One, is a new video-on-demand service from TCS. Wow. Now I can watch Return of the Condor Helos anytime I want.
22. That the party of Pauline Hanson, everyone's favourite racist, believes that the Australian government need not rely on overseas loans and investments, no, they believe that the government can just print $150 million more and provide low-interest loans to Australians. I am not making this up.
"The Government doesn't have to go overseas to borrow money. They can print their own money as they did during the wartime, I believe." -One Nation's national director, Mr David Ettridge, on how the party could meet an election promise for a People's Bank.
Somebody send Pauline some photocopy machines quick.
Shameless plug: Here are some other virii (or is that viruses?) for your info.
23. That the recently-ended World Book Fair had more educational computer CD-ROMs and software than books for sale. On the 6th floor, they placed all the sellers of prayer beads and keychains. And there was this stall, "Wan You", selling devices to improve one's eyesight, manned by a salesman wearing glasses thick enough to stop armour-piercing bullets. (Thanks George)
24. That one moment the North-East MRT line is not feasible (that two opposition wards were in the path of the line had absolutely nothing to do with it), and the next moment, we not only have the NE line underway, but also a proposed new S$1.75-billion-dollar Marina line. Amazing what an economic crisis can do.
25. That the Malaysian authorities have hit upon a great and fair way of ensuring the expensive Second Link is used by lorries. It will ban lorries from using the existing Causeway. Oh, and the customs complex that handles empty lorries coming into Johor via the Causeway? That will be soon closed for renovations. How convenient.
Lorry companies, appalled at the potentially staggering increase at their
bottom line, are looking into moving their cargo by car and motorbike.
By Lee Kin Mun (Copyright 1998)
All fan mail and soft toys may be directed at mrbrown@mrbrown.com
Other writings may be found in the Website "BrownTown" at http://www.mrbrown.com
