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Singapore National Education
Part 44
by mr brown
Week of 26 May to 9 June 1998
(Feel free to distribute for non-profit and non-commercial purposes but keep my byline, email address and URL intact please. Thanks)
I have also learned lately:
1. That Viagra can also cause death. I suppose this brings new meaning to the phrase "Die Hard". Deeper coffins may have to be made for people in this condition, so that the lid can close.
2. That the Surgeon-General is looking into making Pfizer, makers of the anti-impotence drug Viagra, include health warnings on their packaging that state, "Surgeon-General's Warning: Taking Viagra can be dangerous for your health, eyesight and marriage".
3. That if there is anything worse than horny dirty old men, it is horny dirty old men who can.
4. That while many old men run (okay, walk briskly) out to buy Viagra to fix their exhaust pipe, it might be a good idea to ensure that their engines are able to take the strain of the renewed thrust.
5. That one of our Government's websites lists the "Organs of State". Viagra may actually help these important people remain upright.
6. That there may be a female version of Viagra soon. The "orgasm pill" may mean an end to women faking it but men may soon have to ask themselves, "Was it me or was it the pill?"
And when women tell you, "I'm on The Pill," men will have to ask, "Which one?"
7. That the two members of the Singapore Everest Team who actually made it to the summit were Malaysians holding Singapore Permanent Residence. This is in line with our Government's policy of using foreign talent.
8. That for the World Cup in 2002, Singapore may field a winning soccer team that is made up of almost all Brazilian national players. They will be given Permanent Resident status and will not need to serve National Service.
The only member of this Singapore World Cup team who is not Brazilian will be Abbas Saad, a Lebanese player who used to play for the National team in the Malaysian League. He will be the ball boy and occasional Hotbod (local version of Chippendales dancer).
9. That a one-legged man also set foot on the summit of Mount Everest, not long after our all-Singapore team made it to the summit. He was not a Permanent Resident of Singapore.
10. That Pakistan has also conducted nuclear tests, in a bid to show India that they have the bigger gonads. Their people are celebrating in the streets, overwhelmed with joy that one day, they will be part of a momentous global event involving nuclear fallout, radiation sickness and unexplained hair loss.
11. That I was wrong to suggest that the Singapore Government's silence on India's nuclear tests was due to India's potential as a major contributor to the Great Singapore Sale. Apparently, India is looking into buying US$3 billion dollars worth of Singapore-made Howitzers (to smite the evil Pakistanis with, no doubt). Oh, in that case, go ahead and have as many nuclear tests as you want, India, and if you want those Howitzers, give us a call anytime. Call now and we will even throw in a free set of steak knives.
12. That on the 1st of June, Monday, the ERP gantry along the ECP broke down (did VR Man do this?), allowing motorists to drive through without any deductions on their CashCard. While the ERP IU unit is touted by the LTA to be 99.999% fault-free, the ERP gantry is only guaranteed to be 99.998% fault-free.
The traffic along the ECP that Monday morning grew by 300%, after the ERP gantry failure was reported on national radio, comprising mostly of Singaporeans who had no need to drive along the ECP but could pass up a free ride like this one.
"No, I am not going to town today, today I off. But wah piang, ERP gantry spoiled only long long one time, I die die also must drive through for free. What? No, lah, I don't live in East Coast. I live in Jurong." - Leonardo Lim, motorist, when asked why he was driving along the ECP that day.
Shameless plug: For some truly stupid things people do, check out the Darwin Awards 3.
13. That TCS 5 shows an enjoyable American lifestyle magazine called "Working Woman" on weekdays, at 11am in the morning, when most working women are at work.
14. That there is a new TCS Stars computer CD-ROM on sale now, where you can click on your favourite stars' pictures and read profound details like their bio-data (size of pecs, boobs and IQs), likes and dislikes and acting history (most less than one short paragraph).
Also includes an Internet browser (that you can get for free almost everywhere, like between the pages of Carp World) and a surreal, yet apt, screensaver that features the stars morphing into each other. How refreshingly honest, showing the faces of our stars morphing into a faceless mass of images.
Highlight of the CD-ROM: click on Fann Wong and Christopher Lee's picture and see their head swell till it explodes.
15. That having pictures of scantily-clad women and articles on sex in a woman's magazine like "Her World" and "Cleo" is okay, but having them in a men's magazine like "FHM" is considered softporn and can get your licence revoked.
16. That there is no refund of your money if you call the easy-to-get-through 1-900 movie ticket hotline of Golden Village only to find out that your movie is sold out.
17. That a member of the Spice Girls, Geri Halliwell, or Ginger Spice may be splitting from the band. It is not known if the split was due to artistic or wardrobe conflicts.
Her leaving may spell the act's demise, because, as we all know, it is terribly difficult to find a replacement for a 25-year-old overweight red-head who cannot sing and likes to bare her massive breasts for publicity.
The Spice Girls are under the Virgin Records label. The girls stand for world peace, girl power and sexual purity before marriage.
18. That plans to introduce a new Ginger Spice doll have been shelved. They could not get the darn prototype to stay upright anyway. For some reason, the top part of the doll was too heavy and it kept falling face down.
19. That sometimes, people may take my SNE suggestions too seriously. I was only kidding when I said that TCS will use the lilting "Titanic" soundtrack in an appropriately Irish setting like Zoe Tay in a Chinese period drama (SNE 28). I did not mean for them to really use it in the latest S$5 million period drama series "Return of the Condo Heroes".
But then a S$5 million production like this deserves to copy a theme song from an equally extravagant movie like Titanic. Hey, both are period dramas, what.
Other related "Return of the Condor Zeroes" trivia: the theme song for the series sung by Taiwan singer Phil Chang, and our very own Mariah Curry, Fann Wong, hit the Number One spot in the 93.3FM Egg Chart. The Egg Chart tracks the most hated Chinese songs in Singapore.
Trivia#2: Swimming pool tiles were seen in scenes when Little Dragon Girl (Fann Wong) was supposed to be underwater in a river.
20. That people who went to SingTel's "hello?" concert (free to all Singtel subscribers, which is just about everyone) could not make phone calls through their M1 handphones. Was the concert venue made into an M1 Bermuda Triangle, with M1 signals blocked out? Tune in to the next episode of VR Man for the answer.
21. That businessman Ong Beng Seng, boss of HPL Properties came out in a rare media offensive to dispel rumours that he was seriously ill. OBS said, "I run about 30 kilometres every bloody week and I'm absolutely fit."
To underscore this point, his doctor, Dr SK Tan said, "He is fit as a fiddle. The man hardly falls sick, he runs 10 kilometres every day."
22. That retrenchment figures may be higher than you think. Not every company or MNC retrenches its employees with full media coverage. Some ask their employees to go to the HR department one by one, issue the letters, and lead them to a waiting bus that takes them to the nearest MRT station.
23. That when US companies merge, their share prices tend to soar. When Singapore companies merge, their share prices tend to drop. I wonder why. After all, the Singapore mergers are always full of "synergy", profitability and low exposure to high-risk areas like Indonesia.
24. That France is tipped to win the World Cup, because their country is full of strikers.
25.. That a reader wrote an irate email to PostOne complaining about the removal of the free email forwarding service and quoted SNE43 point 5 (I was forwarded a copy of the email).
"Dear Mr Administrator, U guys are full of crap. I remember when post1.com was offered initially 2 years back, this wasn't the agreement. I recall distinctly that it was a e-mail postbox which boasted "FREE for LIFE". Now that I have circulated this e-mail address of mine for 2 years, u have the cheek to tell me that it is no longer free?"
This was PostOne's Reply (I received it too):
"Sorry for any inconvenience caused. PostOne did not promise to provide FREE service permanently. In fact, FREE email for life should be interpreted as "email for life" is FREE. (i.e. PostOne = Email For Life)"
I am sure all of you will agree with me when I say that PostOne's reply deserves a resounding "HUH?"
Shameless plug: More Internet nonsense, this time from Microsoft and their website cookie bullshit.
26. That a recent survey revealed that most Singaporeans are stressed by our lifestyle here. Many cited high cost of living and intense competition as factors (a visiting American-Chinese friend of mine noticed the rat-race pace of our country within a matter of days).
Steps are being introduced to help Singapore students cope with stress, like the setting up of a Committee Task Force for Looking into Stress Management in Schools (CTFFLISMIS for short) and the implementation of new Proper Management of Stress (PMS) Classes in Primary schools. Students will have at least 8 hours of the PMS subject per week, followed by weekly assessments and a year-end written exam. Grades will be given for PMS, and the grades will go towards securing a place in the new centrally-administered Allocation of Limited University Hostel Places Program.
Meanwhile, stress relief for our over-worked workforce may come soon. Some 20,000 Singaporeans are expected to lose their jobs this year.
Shameless plug: For some tips in dealing with stress,
check out our "15 Ways to Handle Stress".
By Lee Kin Mun (Copyright 1998)
All fan mail and soft toys may be directed at mrbrown@mrbrown.com
Other writings may be found in the Website "BrownTown" at http://www.mrbrown.com
