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Singapore National Education
Part 42
by mr brown
Week of 1 May to 15 May 1998
(Feel free to distribute for non-profit and non-commercial purposes but keep my byline, email address and URL intact please. Thanks)
I have also learned lately:
1. That the 70s is back. Retro is suddenly hip again. Those PAP Brylcreem hairstyles we thought looked dorky, well, these guys look hip again. All they now need are some bell bottoms (white, of course) and they'd be the hippiest politicians in town.
2. That if you are a major loser in the fashion world, you just have to wait twenty years to look hip again.
3. That for every two healthy bottles of Vitagen you buy, Vitagen is giving away a free healthy deep-fried McDonald's Apple Pie.
4. That a 1.1 ha piece of land on reclaimed land in Marina, considered to be a prized site in Singapore's New Downtown, attracted a grand total of no bids, despite the Urban Redevelopment Authority's efforts to promote the property with a roadshow in Hongkong and a month-long extension of the tender closing date. It is rumoured that the property companies could not afford to even pay for the tender documents.
Plans are underway to give away free packets of tissue paper with every bid above S$800 million, failing which, the land may be allocated to the 10,000 Filipino maids currently congregating at Lucky Plaza.
5. That the trailer for the new TCS sci-fi series, ERP Man, says that," JAMES LYE... HAS THE POWER TO BiRP... GET BiRPed ON SUNDAY 17TH MAY 8.30PM"
James Lye plays a man who is mutated by the radioactive rays of the ERP gantries and hence becomes a superhero who can slip into the CBD without a CashCard or an ALS disc, helping him fight crime in the Central Business District. He can also making loud BiRPing noises to distract his enemies.
6. That there is now a new Barbie that will have more realistic proportions, like a wider waist and fuller figure. I hear that the next generation of Barbies are coming -- Silicone Barbie (Detachable breasts in three different sizes!), Cellulite Barbie and Liposuction Barbie (Edible fats you can suck off with the included Lipo-matic! Batteries&strawsnotincluded)
7. That some parents cane their boys for playing with dolls, but buy them action figures.
8. That women can now express their interest in soccer by wearing one of those new "World Cup Brassieres", made of artificial leather and shaped to look like footballs. And men can now say they were not looking at a woman's breasts, just admiring her balls.
Shameless plug: See a shot of a van driven by a man who has real balls in Gallery.
9. That women now have a wider range of bra sizes, ranging from A Cup to E Cup and for those with lofty goals, you can now purchase a World Cup.
"Wah lao, I think that girl's chest, is World Cup, you know."
10. That there is a bra at Marks and Spencers called "Glamour" and another called "Padded Balcony". I can understand buying a bra called "Glamour" (if I were a woman, of course), but does any woman really want to be complimented that, my, that's a nice balcony she's got on her chest?
"I heard that Janet underwent some serious renovations on her body, you know. Her boobs now look like a padded balcony!"
11. That Singtel is planning to "rebalance its tariffs", that is, increase local call charges to offset falling international call rates. So when we see the 001 James Bond ad showing Singtel's agent shooting down international call rates, we should look forward to the sequel, where the secret agent blows UP local call charges.
"With Singtel's international rates shot down, you can be sure your local calls will now cost more. After all, we are still the only land-based telephone operator in town."
Kind of reminds me of the recent Goldsmith Scam (mark down the gold price to attract customers, jack up the workmanship charges to obscene levels to make up for it).
12. That Singtel had to do the time-honoured Singapore thing of naming other countries who have "rebalanced its tariffs" (See? Singapore not the only one!). But we have yet to follow other countries who have less censorship, who allow satellite dishes, who have more than one newspaper...
13. That when two "controversial" Western publications, the Economist and the International Herald Tribune print nice sweety-pie reports about the PAP Government, they are glorified on the Straits Times front page (Sat, May 2nd edition). But when the same two publications were critical of the PAP some time back, they were considered to be "interfering in the domestic affairs of Singapore", and had their circulation in Singapore cut, or gazetted, as punishment.
I guess it is only "interfering in the domestic affairs of Singapore" when one says bad stuff.
14. That in the spirit of patriotism, in the spirit of "bring your money back to Malaysia", "buy Malaysian" and "invest in Malaysia", Telekom Malaysia Berhad just paid over RM 1.5 Billion for a minority share in South Africa's telephone company.
15. That the Straits Times (Monday, 11 May edition) had a headline that read, "Farmers to dump chicks on MTUC". Apparently, the farmers were protesting the Malaysian Trades Union Congress's earlier campaign to boycott consumption of chicken. So far, 20,000 chicks have been collected for this "donation". It is not clear if all the farmers understood that the chicks referred to are baby chickens and not the other kind.
In response, MTUC president, Zainal Rampak, said that the union will take the chicks. It is not clear if Mr Rampak understood that chicks referred to are baby chickens and not the other kind.
Shameless plug: Read about why the chicken crossed the road and how different people viewed it.
16. That my wife has been secretly taking puffs.
She has almost finished our whole box of durian puffs that we recently bought from this famous durian puff place near our home. Ginny is addicted to the stuff.
17. That when you put durian puffs in your fridge, even your fried rice will smell like durian after five minutes.
18. That many learned people go to Borders Bookstore. A customer was overheard asking a guy wearing a black Borders T-shirt, with the word "staff" emblazoned in yellow on his left sleeve, and a staff pass around his neck -- "Excuse me, do you work here?"
19. That as a strong gesture to the global community of Singapore's commitment to fighting copyright piracy, and to get off the blacklist of countries that have poor copyright protection, a huge steamroller was driven over a pile of CD-ROM software titles like Windows 1.0, audio CDs of the Titanic soundtrack (Kenny G accordion version), and recent movies like the VCD version of Stallone's "Cobra".
It is estimated that using this slow but symbolically meaningful method of destroying pirated CDs, we should be done by the year 2016 AD.
20. That the Golden Village chain of cinemas is charging $0.50 per ticket and $0.30 per call for its new 1-900 telephone booking system, heralding a new way of increasing the prices of movie tickets, while making it look like an act of charity.
"Because we make you pay for it, now you can get through our phone booking lines, what."
GV's director says that "there is no such thing as a free lunch". I say they can take their 1-900 number paid lunch and eat it themselves.
Like the people interviewed by the Straits Times in the "balanced" report they made on one of their biggest cinema advertisers, I too have mixed feelings. I am torn between puking and gagging at this sordid attempt to milk Singaporeans for all they're worth. Give them the unclogged lines they want, because when no one uses their 1-900 lines or even patronises their cinemas, then the lines will really be free.
21. That there is a new Prison computer IT-thingy called Prisoner Monitoring System, or PMS. It is a System that allows the Monitoring of Prisoners. Known side-effects on prisoners include violent mood swings and painful cramps.
First we got MOM (Ministry of Manpower), now PMS. Someone needs to talk to the Civil Service guy in charge of coming up with these acronyms.
22. That a Sunday Times profile story on Chinese ambassador Madam Chen Baoliu in their 10 May edition says that she is outspoken, she is frank and she is forthright. She is also not the woman in the photograph. The woman in the original photograph is a Madam Jacqueline Seow, a Singaporean seminar organiser. Lucky they did not use a picture of some auntie from the wet market or we would really get some political fallout from China.
That said, Madam Seow did look more ambassador-like than the actual Madam Chen. My guess is that the Sunday Times is sufficiently ambarrassed by this ambassadorial faux pas.
23. That despite the news report on the striking couriers at Transnational courier company, that incident was technically not a strike but a contractual-obligation-discharge-failure. This is so that we will not scare off investors.
"No, we do not get strikes in Singapore, only a few contractual-obligation-discharge-failures now and then.
And if you still insist on striking despite intervention from our totally impartial Trade Union who loves us all and sells us everything under the sun, from insurance to alfalfa sprouts to driving lessons, you might just be spending a little time behind bars, and I don't mean the pub kind. Besides, those couriers you saw in the press photo were not protesting, no, they were just having their mid-morning coffee break.
_________________
From the Straits Times of Tuesday May 5:
"What it should have been"
OUR April 28 report on action taken by some workers at the Transnational courier company carried a misleading headline, "Riders strike over incentive cuts".
The Ministry of Manpower has pointed out that what happened was not an employee-employer industrial dispute and should not have been described as a strike.
The motorcycle deliverymen concerned were not employees of Transnational, but couriers contracted to perform a service.
Their move to stop work on April 27 was therefore a failure to discharge their contractual obligations, not a strike.
The ministry pointed out that Singapore has been strike-free for many years, and this has become an important factor in attracting foreign investments and the high ratings given to the workforce.
The ministry was concerned that the report gave the impression that Singapore was no longer strike-free.
That would be a disservice to unions and employers who have worked to bring about a harmonious industrial relations climate here, and also damage Singapore's image as a highly favourable place for investment.
We are sorry for the error.
_________________
23. That the ENV's hygiene grading exercise of local food establishments will go one step further next year. Streaming will be introduced for all restaurants and hawker stalls. Some stalls will also have the opportunity to enter the Gifted Scheme and the Special Assistance Plan scheme if their ENV grades are up to scratch (at least A to A*).
24. That contrary to media reports, Malaysia's Vision 2020 setback is not due to the regional crisis. The reason for the change in their plans is due to the Y2K problem. Their computers are apparently reading the data for the Vision 2020 as Vision 1920, setting their economy back some 100 years. George Soros is relieved to hear that he is not the moron responsible for this.
25. That India just conducted three underground nuclear tests successfully, drawing immediate criticism from many countries. India says that this involves their national security, although they also wish for a nuclear-free world. Riiiiiight.
I suppose India will only feel secure after Pakistan becomes nuclear roadkill.
By Lee Kin Mun (Copyright 1998)
All fan mail and soft toys may be directed at mrbrown@mrbrown.com
Other writings may be found in the Website "BrownTown" at http://www.mrbrown.com
