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Singapore National Education
Part 43
by mr brown
Week of 15 May to 26 May 1998
(Feel free to distribute for non-profit and non-commercial purposes but keep my byline, email address and URL intact please. Thanks)
I have also learned lately:
1. That the PMS system will be implemented in the Women's Prison first. ST's headlines will probably read:
"Women's Prison first to get PMS: Prisoners thrilled"
2. That the LTA is looking into "fine-tuning" the ERP system of the ECP because too many motorists are still using the ECP between 8-9 am, despite the one whole dollar less they have to pay if they travel between 7.30 -8 am.
If you do not speak bureaucratese, that means we have to pay more money until they are satisfied the traffic flow is just right.
Besides, I am sure many of them had planned to use the ECP before even 7.30am, before Road Pricing starts. It's just that they got caught in a traffic jam with other drivers who had the same brilliant idea.
3. That the LTA may implement ERP charges for the evenings as well because of the traffic jams that also occur then. I can understand (semi-vaguely) the ERP charges for using the expressways in the morning because, gosh, we want the nation to get to work on time, right? Cannot allow our little busy bee workforce to be late for work. No sirree.
But as for ERP charges for using the expressways in the evenings, is the LTA worried that we will be late for home?
4. That while most countries, even our neighbours, Malaysia and Hongkong, condemn India's nuclear tests, Singapore remains silent. On an unrelated note, India is Singapore's target for this year's Great Singapore Sale and a potential tourism goldmine.
Shameless plug: For more news on nuclear tests, go read Microsoft's latest bombshell!
5. That those who think that Singapore companies are not creative have not checked out this ingenious money-making scheme from Singapore Press Holdings:
a. Advertise and promise a "FREE EMAIL ADDRESS FOR LIFE", PostOne, which is essentially an email forwarding service.
b. Give away tons of PostOne "FREE EMAIL ADDRESS FOR LIFE".
c. Wait for owners of PostOne "FREE EMAIL ADDRESS FOR LIFE" to tell all their friends and relatives about their new FREE EMAIL ADDRESS FOR LIFE that is so easy to remember and unaffected by changes in ISP.
d. Charge a fee to keep "FREE EMAIL ADDRESS FOR LIFE", payable within two months, or lose "FREE EMAIL ADDRESS FOR LIFE".
6. When 10,000 poor Indonesians come to Singapore to look for work and shelter, it is illegal entry and a caneable offence. When 10,000 rich Indonesians and expats come to Singapore, it is tourism and foreign capital.
7. That the sudden influx of rich Indonesians into Singapore is not, as it is commonly thought, because of any unrest in their country, but because of The Great Singapore Sale. The earlier batch of Indonesian arrivals, the poorer ones, were arrested and caned because they had arrived too early for the sale, and not because they are poor and looking for illegal jobs here.
The above SNE press release is to correct the impression that Singapore is cold-hearted and blind to the problems of our neighbours. To reinforce this point, here is another true letter of appreciation written by a grateful "refugee" on Usenet:
"I am an Indonesian Chinese recently terrorized by the recent anti-Chinese riots in Jakarta. In the past I have often thought Singaporeans as arrogant, selfish and stuck up bunch. However during this difficult time for us Indonesian Chinese, I am really touched by the hospitality rendered to us by Singapore government and people. There are hotels that specially give discounts to Indonesian "refugees" and there are Singaporeans that offer lodgings for nominal costs or even free. Once again thank you Singapore. There may not be anything we could do in return, but personally I promise myself that I shall never forsake any Singaporean in distress in Jakarta."
8. That when your economy is in shambles, the correct thing to do is to riot, pillage and loot, and drive away the 20% of the people in your country who control 80% of your economy.
As for this 20% of the country, when the going gets tough, the rich go shopping in Singapore.
9. That a recent local medical documentary series, "Mind Your Body", revealed that most Singaporean men have low sperm count. The reasons given were our preference for tight jeans and hot baths. The drop in sperm count was estimated to be as much as 50% in one century.
Some solutions offered on Usenet include a return to big-enough-for-two-chickens Ah Beng Baggy Pants, cold showers and ice-cube therapy.
And maybe we men have an excuse to ask for sex twice as often now.
10. That when discussing sensitive local issues (can somebody tell me what local issues are not sensitive as far as the authorities are concerned?), like MOM (Ministry of Manpower) and PMS (Prisoner Monitoring System), we need to be aware of the O.B. Markers, which, as we all know, stand for a brand of female hygiene product.
Which reminds me of this Dracula joke, where Dracula, after being reincarnated too often as a living thing that has wings and sucks blood, is only allowed to be reincarnated as non-living thing. So he chooses to be reincarnated as a non-living thing that has wings and sucks blood. He was reincarnated as a Whisper Maxi-pad. (Rim-shot)
11. That recently the HDB announced that the new 5-room flats will be 10% smaller. In the old days, flats this size were known as 4-room flats. I am sure they are now more functional. As we all know, Singaporeans hate big flats, love function. All this at the same price as the older, bigger (yucks) 5-roomers. Wow.
Thank you HDB, for showing us you care.
12. That Suharto might have avoided losing his 32-year reign if her had offered his people upgrading of flats.
13. That Viagra, the alleged panacea for impotent men, has been found to be not without its side-effects. It may cause bad eyesight. So let me get this straight (oops, sorry), you mean that Viagra, if it takes off, might actually create a nation of rejuvenated virile manhood who need glasses to see where they are going?
"I'm ready, honey, I just took my Viagra and I am ready to go... er, wait, let me get my glasses."
14. That mothers used to tell their kids that masturbation can make you blind. Now with Viagra, it looks like too much sex can do that too.
15. That in order to help companies survive this year's downturn, the National Wage Council is recommending companies to exercise "wage restraint". This means that all of us will be getting less bonuses and increments this year. This is to help companies minimise retrenchment and wage-related costs.
As for non-wage related costs like the multitude of taxes companies have to deal with, well, the Government will not be asking them to pay more than what they have already paid on last year's earnings.
16. That our Mount Everest team has made it to the top! Congratulations are in order (and sponsors sigh a huge relief). An earlier attempt to reach the summit was thwarted by bad weather and the team running out of rope 90 metres from the top, to which my wife said, "Why they didn't just buy the rope from -- never mind."
17. That the 2 Everest heroes who reached the top are on their way down, after doing the time-honoured Singapore thing of taking pictures. Browntown News understands that part of their delay in coming down was also due to the team buying Everest souvenirs and duty-free beer at the Everest Summit Gift Shop.
18. That the US Galaxy 4 satellite has tilted away from the earth, turning the multi-billion-dollar high tech communications gizmo into a multi-billion-dollar high tech piece of space junk.
The loss of the satellite has resulted in the loss of television and data links in the US, and as much as 90 percent of the paging network. An estimated 20 to 40 million pagers are now not working. Meanwhile, irate citizens of Planet Dorko, eighty-five million light years away in the Alpha Centuri galaxy, have been flooded with nuisance pages on their pagers.
19. Browntown Suharto timeline:
Sunday May 10th
"Because I am convinced that the people's awareness is already very high, I can leave the motherland with peace," says a confident Suharto before he leaves for a week-long visit to Cairo for a G-15 meeting.
Thursday May 14th
Suharto cuts short his state visit Egypt as Jakarta is rocked by protests, riots, looting and gunfire.
Friday May 15th
"If I am no longer trusted to lead the country, I will become a pandito (a sage) and endeavour to get closer to God... so there's no problem at all if I am no longer trusted." -Suharto on calls for him to quit.
Saturday May 16th
I am not planning to quit, says Suharto. Media reports were "incorrect".
Wednesday May 20th
"Elections will be implemented as soon as possible... I hereby declare that I am not prepared to be nominated as presidential candidate again."
"The question of stepping down is not a problem. The problem is my sense of responsibility and the thought of our country and nation. Therefore, I have not yet decided to step down."
- Suharto in a live TV broadcast to his nation of 200 million. He does not say when the elections will take place.
Thursday May 21st
"For the assistance and support of the people while I led Indonesia, I express my thanks and I seek forgiveness if there were any mistakes and shortcomings." - Suharto in the speech announcing his resignation.
20. That in tribute to Suharto's 32 years of enlightened rule, the Asian stock markets rallied, jubilant students ran amuck with joy, and many hands reached out eagerly to take down his portrait at the parliamentary complex (to keep as a souvenir perhaps?). All this after he announced his resignation.
21. That the upcoming Godzilla movie will have a wide range of merchandise, including the Godzilla Bra, Godzilla Condom, and Godzilla Men's Underwear. This is in line with its slogan, "Size Does Matter".
22. That Godzilla has been rumoured to be auditioning for the next sequel to Jurassic Park, tentatively entitled "Godzilla and T-Rex Do America".
23. That illegal VCD peddlers have been resorting to using teens to man the makeshift stalls. This is because the youngsters are considered minors and therefore not eligible for jail. The teens are paid between $25 to $40 a day to run the stalls, which they subsequently blow on expensive items and luxury meals. It is not clear if these holiday jobs can be considered extra-curricular activities.
Macdonald's and other fast food joints report a difficulty in recruiting workers for their outlets of late.
24. That in view of the recent clamp-down on illegal VCD peddlers, some syndicates have changed their wares and have started selling fake Viagra pills at bus interchanges all over the island.
Some customers have complained that the XXX videos they used to buy from the vendors worked better than these pills.
25. That Singapore is well on its way to becoming the Everything of the East. We aim to be:
a. The Cannes of the East; a film commission has been set up with S$2.5 million seed money, enough to buy one of the plates they broke on the movie Titanic.
b. The IT Hub of the East; our Net access is filtered and censored with proxy servers.
c. The Arts Hub of the East; an entire platform of the arts, performance art, has been effectively banned.
d. The Boston of the East; a University where it is easier for a foreign student to stay in the hostel than a local student (who has to meet all sorts of ECAs and volunteer activities to retain his room).
e. The Media Hub of the East; our citizens are not allowed to own satellite dishes because the Government thinks we are not mature enough yet.
Like I said, we are well on our way.
By Lee Kin Mun (Copyright 1998)
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Other writings may be found in the Website "BrownTown" at http://www.mrbrown.com
