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Singapore National Education
Part 35
by mr brown
Week of 27 February to 6 March 1998
(Feel free to distribute for non-profit and non-commercial purposes but keep my byline, email address and URL intact please. Thanks)
I have also learned lately:
1. That while people in other countries are debating the evils of censorship, we in Singapore have once again one-upped the rest of the world: we have created a One-Stop Shop for Censorship. Now instead of needing to go to three sections of the Ministry of Information and the Arts, all you need to do is to go to the newly formed Films and Publications Department to be censored.
Is this a great country or what?
"Would you like some No-Political-Videos Fries to go with that?"
2. That in a surprise raid, a Sim Lim Square computer shop owner, Boh Huat Toh, was sentenced to death for possessing 11,000 pirated Video CDs of political nature. In his defence, he claimed that he mistook some of the titles like "Dare to Change Party: The Movie" and "To Catch a Tartar Sauce" to be of a sexual nature.
Said Boh, "I thoughts the videos is all sex sex sex one mah, thas why I sell. If I knows they is opposition politics one, that they is say PAP bad one, I cut off my hand also won't sell, man."
The Great Grand Poobah Prosecutor asked for a deterrent sentence, saying, "We should send out a strong message to all underground film distributors that we will not tolerate this kind of filth. If pornography is already warranting heavier punishments, all the more political party tapes. I say hang the bastard."
3. That a CD-ROM about Senior Minister Lee Kuan Yew is a historical piece of work but a CD-ROM about Jeyaretnam's Workers' Party political career and his contributions to Singapore would probably be classified a "party political video" and hence illegal under the new laws.
4. That an opposition party making a film showing an opposition candidate on his Sunday morning Constituency walkabouts is making an illegal political film, but TCS News showing a PAP candidate on his Sunday morning Constituency walkabouts is merely reporting the news.
5. That PAP MP Chew Heng Ching is reported to have said: "The damage to society based on distortion of the truth through sensationalisation in a 15-second film clip can undermine years of nation building and be almost impossible to unravel."
This is presumably because:
a. Singaporeans are too stupid to think for themselves and hence need to be protected from everything.
b. The Government will decide what is sensational and distortion of truth, and what is the truth. Only they know what it is.
c. All Political Party films that are made by anyone other than the ruling party will automatically be historically incorrect, sensationalistic and seek to undermine years of nation building.
6. That Education Minister Teo Chee Hean says that, "Ideas can kill.'' While it was critical for Singapore's progress to be open to IT, he said: "As with many things in this world, a sense of balance is required, and some control is required to ensure that we can reap the benefits and shut out or minimise the dangers."
So kiddies, ideas can kill, but we really need creative people, so please do not stop coming up with ideas. Just be sure your ideas are creative but safe.
7. That the seriously under-utilised Second Link to Malaysia is being used for the smuggling of illegal workers into Malaysia. At least _someone_ is using that white elephant.
8. That in line with the Government's emphasis on attracting foreign talent, the foreign student quota in our university hostels must be at least 45%. No, staying in Woodlands does not count. I can see their reasoning: Singapore is so small, what do you need to stay in the hostel for? And besides, foreign talent is more important than you bunch of local losers anyway.
We are certainly on our way to having a "World Crass University".
9. That as things go these days, you will probably be better treated if you give up your citizenship, study and work overseas for a while, and voila! return to Singapore as an Expatriate. And companies hiring you will get tax benefits too. Everybody wins.
10. That just when you thought "Shiver" and "Three Rooms" were the last you would experience in excruciating pain and suffering, TCS brings you "The Fame Awards", hosted by the only survivor of the first Fame Awards, Lisa Ang.
11. That judging from the responses given by the semi-finalists in "The Fame Awards", most of them are in it because "it is a natural extension of their interest in Acting and Drama and they want to see if acting is the career for them blah blah blah". I am quite sure TCS cut the portions, for brevity, where the contestants go on to say that they are in it for World Peace, saving poor impoverished children and protecting the world lobster population.
12. That according to my grapevine, some of the semi-finalists of The Fame Awards are already minor celebrities in their own right. Apparently, one of them is Robin Leong's girlfriend (I won't name names here but her name rhymes with Havoline, as in the famous motor oil). Who is Robin Leong, you say? That is exactly what the staff of a local Makeover company asked. But I am getting ahead of myself.
What apparently happened was that this aspiring young star went to have her photo taken at a Makeover company (you know, the kind that claim that they can make your 75-year-old grandmother look like Pamela Lee Anderson with their superior photographers and make-up artists) and gasp, she was not served promptly. In fact, God forbid, the staff there kept her waiting.
Peeved, she said, "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"
To which the staff replied, "WHO ARE YOU?"
"I AM ROBIN LEONG'S GIRLFRIEND!" said she.
Genuinely perplexed, the staff asked, "WHO'S ROBIN LEONG?"
And by this time she was really angry and said, "YOU ALL HAVE NO TV AT HOME, IS IT? ROBIN LEONG ALSO DON'T KNOW? ROBIN LEONG IS THE STAR OF THREE ROOMS!"
<wince>. And I do not even want know what might have transpired if the staff had pushed their luck and asked "What is Three Rooms?" I am sure it would involve a lot of burst blood vessels and other ugly stuff like that.
Hmm, you know what, maybe I can ask my wife to try getting better service at the Yong Tau Foo stall by saying she is "mr brown's wife". She might get an extra piece of chicken liver for it. Hey, it might just work, you'll never know.
13. That, even when you do not want them, you get printed receipts for free every time you use your ATM card to draw money from ATMs and when you use it to pay for goods through NETS. You can also get free printed statements from the CPF Board.
But you have to pay $0.20 to get a printout of your CashCard transactions.
14. That an NUS study team, commissioned by the LTA, has determined that reflective car number plates are more conspicuous than the non-reflective plates. Yes, that is certainly attractive to me. I cannot wait to have a number plate that costs more to make, enables a police officer to see me from further away, and lets traffic cameras snap clearer pictures of my car at night.
15. That at the recent Career 98 exhibition, among the exhibitors consisting of Education Centres and Bigtime Employers like the Civil Service and Insurance Companies (what happened to the rest of the private sector?), one lone exhibitor stood out among the obvious crowd. This one booth was not offering Civil Service or Insurance jobs, or accelerated University degrees via special diploma programmes (get your degree in 2 months through our exemption programme!). No, this booth was selling "Teen" magazine subscriptions to the many students turning up at the World Trade Centre.
16. That three WW2 mines were found in Singapore waters to the left of the Pulau Sudong live firing area. The stretch of water there is known as Sinki Fairway. How appropriate. So shipee owners, do not sailee your shipee near Sinki Fairway or your shipee will sinkee. Thankee.
17. That you cannot name a maid abuser and her underaged son but you can name three scholars who immorally broke their scholarship bonds.
18. That Mr Eric Ng, division manager of financial and recruitment advertising at McCann-Erickson Singapore said of the New Look Straits Times, "The Straits Times, one of the leading papers in the world, has come of age..."
One of the leading papers in the world? But I thought that was The New Paper.
19. That one of the leading papers in the world, The Straits Times, in their 5 March Thursday edition, printed two articles in the Home section with the following headlines:
"20 countries to take part in quality of life survey" and "This man's home is in a monsoon drain".
20. That the TV Commercial Awards are upon us again, and I spotted a Mentos ad among the nominees. A Mentos commercial got in! That's like nominating "Three Rooms" for a Best Movie Oscar.
If anyone should be nominated, it should be the two Courts commercials, you know, the one with the 4 Spacepersons from the Planet Dorko (Space Cadets Fann Wong, Christopher Lee, Andrew Seow and Diana Ser), and the one with the staff brainstorming customer service ideas where at one point, with total relevance to the script, the cameraman decides to linger on the legs of the lady employee/actress wearing the impossibly short skirt.
I think I will have a Browntown Bad TV Commercials Contest. If you have any suggestions, you may wish to email me at <mrbrown@mrbrown.com>. I will list the nominees for online voting on the 20th of March 1998 and we will have a vote at Browntown. Results of the poll will be announced on 1st of April 1998. If this proves popular, I will make it a yearly affair. If you have had it with Bad Ads, this is your chance to give them what they deserve. Call now!
21. That a Simone from Usenet posted the following message:
"Recently I chance upon a group of traders and was astonished by their behavior. The guys are absolutely wild and the girls are wild too. On the first date I was laid! Any comments?"
We here at Browntown would like to extend our heartfelt congratulations to Simone for getting laid on the first date by a trader and would like to award him/her the "After One Date- Screwed" medal (the A1DS medal). The medal comes with a bonded scholarship at either NCB or EDB and a free checkup at the Sexually-transmitted Diseases Centre.
22. That some car servicing companies take their customers' cars for joy rides, judging from the way petrol is used up while the car is in the workshop. One Usenet reader even found a Malaysian passport in his car after getting his car back from servicing. The owner called the next day and asked for it.
Shameless plug: Read about another real-life con game in "Honest Happy Con Men".
23. That, with reference to SNE Part 34 Points 17 and 18, apparently, there is a way to save your data (email, webpages, pictures of naked yaks and other assorted animals of the Tundra region) in the new TV-Internet boxes. A brilliant reader wrote me and said one word: "VCR". (Thanks Lenny)
24. That from Sept 1, all new cars and commercial vehicles bought will enjoy tax breaks of $2000 to $14,000 because of the cut in the registration fee. I suggest that all car dealers close their showrooms for the next six months and send their staff for a long, long holiday. We are talking about a Black Hole in the car market as buyers put off their car purchases till Sept 1.
And come Sept 1, everybody and their mothers will be registering cars. Good luck to the LTA. They might want to use the next six months to open more counters and build a bigger car park. Or they could seek the assistance of the HDB and Registry of Marriages. These guys are experts at dealing with large crowds on tight deadlines (remember the July 12 $5000 deadline?).
25. That under the revised car tax scheme, the factor of how much road space a vehicle takes up is now part of the equation, and not just engine size. According to the new rules, all cars are 1 PCU (Passenger Car Unit) and all bikes are 0.5 PCU.
So let me see if I get your drift: my little Viki takes up as much road
space as a Mercedes S320 or a Land Rover because we are all 1 PCU. And everybody
will be enjoying a reduction in road taxes, even the 5000cc car but the
700cc Vivio owners have to pay more. That makes sense.
By Lee Kin Mun (Copyright 1998)
All fan mail and soft toys may be directed at mrbrown@mrbrown.com
Other writings may be found in the Website "BrownTown" at http://www.mrbrown.com
