Top Ten List:
The New Look Straits Times

From the Home Office at Times House, here's the top ten list. The category today:

Top Ten new features of New Look Straits Times

You might have heard, the Straits Times is coming out with a new look, a cleaner look. Better paper, better ink. Same crappy news. Go figure. Anyway, the new look was introduced to a select few at a preview. This is what they found out...

Heeeeeeere we go,

10. Paper soft enough to use as toilet paper.

9. Super-absorbent quality can absorb up to 5 times its weight in pet pee.

8. Less useful as an emergency umbrella.

7. Comfortable enough to line the inside of your bra, and cheaper than those push-up bras.

6. Microscopic pores of the newspaper make for a fine respirator to filter out the haze..

5. Great as starter for barbecue fires.

4. No so good as fly swatter now, as paper is too soft.

3. When folded into a hat, special fibres in the paper can deflect evil alien mind-control theta waves.

2. Built-in spell-and-accuracy-checker ensures that there will never be another "What it should have been" column.

And (drum roll)... the number one feature in the new-look Straits Times...

1. Fish wrapped in it stays fresh longer.

[Cue music, "Read 'em and weep"]

THE END

Contributed and Written by Gabriel "Loco Lobo" Goh