Singapore National Education
Part 19

by mr brown

(Feel free to distribute for non-profit and non-commercial purposes but keep my byline, email address and URL intact please. Thanks)

I have also learned lately:

1. That I recently saw someone carrying a slick shopping bag, not unlike those by swanky boutiques like Emporium NoMoney and Dosai & Banana, and this shopping bag was from some accounting firm called "Earnest and Young" or something. What is an Accounting firm doing printing _shopping bags_?

"Today's Special! Get audited at 15% off! Cut and Save!"

2. In the light of SNE Part 18, point 24 and 25, I have decided to give BrownTown, my website, a corporate feel too, by having my own Company Vision and Mission. It should help our (note the collective corporate voice used here) professional image. It should also help Tee-shirt sales, if there were any.

New BrownTown Vision:

"The Company Vision is to have a place for Singaporeans to write and read funny stuff."

BrownTown Mission:

"The Company Mission is to have lunch with the Company Vision."

See? That wasn't so hard. Now we are well on our way to going public, issuing IPOs and such corporate stuff.

3. That the coolest Mission Statement I have read about so far has to be at a Suzuki Factory in Japan. It was just 2 big words in Japanese on a huge banner in the workshop.

The words said "Smash Yamaha".

Now why can't more Mission Statements be like so?

4. That the most refreshing thing I have heard this week is "We were wrong, we will not do it again" from Lam Soon. Sure beats stuff like "We regret the inconvenience caused to our customers by the two recent unfortunate incidents" and "...should a similar incident happen... we will be able to deal with it much better than we did".

I love "Knife Brand Cooking Oil" again. Except that sob-story bit about "We're just a small trader and all we know is how to sell oil". That was kinda maudlin, doncha think?

5. That it is wise to bring your _whole_ right foot into the house _before_ pulling the gate shut because that might result in a rather painful experience for your little right toe.

6. That I gotta get my wife to sign up for those nifty belly dancing classes at Bedok Community Centre. Apparently, according to one 39-year-old mother of two, it helps her feel in touch with herself as a woman, and the sensuality of the dance makes her feel feminine and she loses all inhibition when she belly dances. Wow. Not that my missus needs any help in the feminine and sensuous department, you understand, but hey, it looks like quite the social thing to do, I'm all for it. Let's call it "Community Development".

In fact, I say the heck with the SDU and Family Life ads. Send _all_ Singapore women to Community Centre Belly dancing lessons. There's your population solution.

7. That when ENV (Environment Ministry) officers raid your company for changing the dates of expired food items and reselling them as legit, it is generally not a good idea for one of your company directors to shout Hokkien vulgarities at them and expose himself. The officers may think you are being uncooperative.

8. That the new "AM Singapore" really sucks, it sucks more than anything that has ever sucked. Everybody is obviously reading their lines, even when they are speaking offscreen. If I want to hear a movie review being read aloud, I can do it myself, thank you. And they can't even read their cue cards without making mistakes _every_ morning. Where did TCS find these people?

And we thought Benedict "Don't Cut Me Down" Goh was bad. Bring back Mr X (Cool guy, cool host, cool name)!

9. The weather girls on TCS 8's morning show have more personality than the three cue card readers from "AM Singapore" put together.

10. That TCS 5 might be counting on the fact that at such an early hour, people will be too groggy getting up and getting ready to go to work, to notice the really bad presenters in the new "AM Singapore".

11. That TCS 5 might be counting on the fact that people will be too impressed by the Western accents, to notice the really bad presenters in the new "AM Singapore".

And Mr Mah (Philip, not Bow Tan), sit properly!

12. That the new revamped Chinese TV guide, formerly known as RTV Times, is now called "i" magazine. Yes, folks, the English letter "i". Oh, I get it. That makes perfect sense. I hope they are not going to call "8 Days", "Ba Tian" anytime soon.

13. That now I know that when I get old, I can sell my "huge" HDB 5-room, keep some of the capital gain (barring HDB policy changes) and buy a one-room studio flat with the balance, so that I hang out with other old guys like me. That ought to be fun. We could compare bed sores.

14. That we now call them studio flats. 10 years ago, the one-room flats near my apartment block were called one-room flats, and much worse names. Then the HDB got rid of the poor people living there in order to upgrade the area (read: build more expensive flats). Now they are building one-roomers again.

May I suggest naming the new ones "Executive Studio Retirement Condos". And belly dancing lessons in the void deck. That might help move da goods.

15. That when I die, my family will sell my studio pad to the HDB, and some other old guy can buy it from the government to live in.

16. That, spotted in Usenet, the world's only surviving Kamikaze pilot is a chap called Chicken Teriyaki. Shucks, and I always thought it was Oyaku Don.

17. That it is easier to take the heat off your health ministry for an HIV-tainted blood tragedy when you direct public rage at the guy who knowingly or unknowingly donated the bad blood, by naming him.

18. That Singapore is helping Indonesia's economy out with $10 billion bucks of our taxpayers' money. If I had known it was this easy to get financial aid, I would have polluted the region's skies with smog too.

19. That there may be a precedent for HDB's policy of not giving you the keys to your flat if you don't pay up your parking fines.

According to reader moon66 (Heheh, I don't name 'em, I just quote 'em, okay?), they don't give you your "A" level cert and testimonial if you have unpaid fines at the school library, even if it comes up to the princely sum of 10 cents.

Don't look at me, I didn't spend a lot of time in the library.

20. That despite all the recent glowing praise and attention lavished upon the Sanitation workers of our nation, parents all over Singapore are still not going stop telling their children "if you don't study hard, you will become a road sweeper".

And might I add here that the guys who keep my block clean really do a great job, despite ourselves.

21. That whoever thinks that TCS has poor quality sitcoms and no sense of humour have not watched "Shiver" and "AM Singapore" yet.

22. That a possible publicity campaign for NTUC Fairprice's new Hypermarket might be:

"...and now, the Fairprice superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."

There's a something wrong in there somewhere but I can't seem to put my finger on it.

23. That one day, we will only have one giant supermarket chain to buy from. Then we'll really begin to enjoy low low prices, with all that bargaining power.

"It all depends, do you want to deal with a customer with 60 stores or a customer with one store?" is what a supplier sort of said recently.

Like I said, bargaining power.

24. That you _know_ your country is in trouble when students go for Physical Education lessons with their PE Shorts pulled lower to reveal the underwear waistband, and when you ask them why they are doing this stupid thing, they cry out in youthful righteous indignation, "But teetcher, Calvin Krine, leh!

25. That when companies claim that their team of people "thinks and acts out of the box" (this is an actual quote), they mean that most of them work from cubicles.

All fan mail and soft toys may be directed at mrbrown@mrbrown.com

Other writings may be found in the Website "BrownTown" at http://www.mrbrown.com

Singapore National Education Part 19

Singapore National Education
Part 19