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Singapore National Education
Part 33
by mr brown
Week of 13 February to 20 February 1998
(Feel free to distribute for non-profit and non-commercial purposes but keep my byline, email address and URL intact please. Thanks)
1. That next year, the Total Defence exhibition will be renamed "Z.E.R.O.E.S of Total Defence" on account of the half a dozen people who actually showed up at Fort Canning for it. The students and teachers forced to go there not counted.
2. That the Fort Canning Total Defence exhibition ran from Friday the 13th and through Valentine's Day as well. And some Valentine's Day couples walking by in Fort Canning mistook it for a Safe Sex Expo.
3. That some teachers and students were forced to go to the Total Defence exhibition at Fort Canning, no doubt as part of Singapore National Education. Once there, young minds learned exciting things like:
"Make Love, Not War"
"National Service is Good for You"
"Our Civil Defence Shelters are not Shady Massage Parlours" (See SNE Part 32, Point 23)
4. That when you lend your teacher/mom a video of the movie "Volcano" ("The Coast is Toast"), make sure you tell her it is a _movie_, not a documentary. Or else she will bring it to school and show it to her Geography students.
5. That every local entertainment mag and his mother are doing a Leonardo DiCaprio/Titanic issue (cf. 8 Days, Lime, 12x). Sales seem to skyrocket when his picture is on the cover. Extra bonus points if free poster is included.
6. That Singaporeans will be able to use satellite dishes once we are equipped "with the immunity and tools to counter [negative influences]".
All Singaporeans wishing to qualify for the legal use of satellite dishes, please drop by at MITA's offices for the Negative Influences Injection and installation of the ERP (Expurgating Regulatory Policing) device on their persons.
Immunisation and ERP device installation is free if accompanied by an Official Letter. Please note that due to the large variance in human bodies, only some installation brackets will be available. Some wires may be visible.
7. That some 1000 units of installed ERP devices have to be recalled due to a software bug. Drivers of vehicles with these faulty units will experience premature hair loss and will not be able to bear children. Especially if they are male. ("Coming Your Way: Faulty ERP Devices")
We would like to reiterate that we have spent a lot of money on the ERP exercise and exhaustive bidding system and stringent screening process and high-tech testing blah blah blah. We are always right. Thank you.
8. That some drivers are concerned that the cow gum used to attach the ERP device to their car dashboards will render the device a dangerous projectile in a car accident ("Coming Your Way: Flying ERP Device"). That the Cashcard inside will not reflect the real dollar value after the device is surgically removed from the driver's skull, is also a concern.
However, drivers have been reassured that the Cashcard's smart chip can indeed survive such accidents, unless a Petroleum truck is involved.
9. That the LTA has taken up a Straits Times reader's suggestion to test the ERP device's safety in car accidents and will be conducting crash tests with luxury cars repossessed in the recent Economic Crunch. Volunteers wishing to be part of these crash tests are asked to call at the LTA's offices.
10. That the some US planes are pulling out of the Asian Aerospace show, conveniently because of the US commitment in the Gulf. The B-1 bomber and the F-117 that were supposed to come for the show are needed to find out which civilian home or rock Saddam Hussein is sleeping in, and to "cruise-missile his ass off", US officials say. "We are not trying to avoid coming here because of the poor Asian demand. We really need that one extra B-1 and F-117 in the Gulf to bolster our presence there," another spokesman said.
The Russian delegation will also not be bringing in their Sukhoi Su-37s and Su-30s because they are worried that nobody in the region wants to or can afford to buy their planes. Apparently, the Russians no longer wish to sell their planes for palm oil anymore.
11. That as a possible prelude to US air strikes against Iraq, President Bill Clinton has called Mr Saddam Hussein an "evil tyrant". Most political observers agree that the use of force will be almost a certainty if President Clinton starts to call the Iraqi leader "a moron".
12. That the original title of the book "Bad As I Wanna Be: The Dennis Rodman Story" was rumoured to be "Big As My Ego Can Get". The man is a living example of how to get ahead (sorry for the pun) when you are just good for rebounds in the NBA. All you need is green hair and a bad attitude.
13. That as a follow-up to Rodman's "Bad As I Wanna Be", Anicka Bakes Rodman released a book "Worse Than He Says He Is" and Tony Kornheiser has a book entitled "Bald As I Wanna Be". And many cannot wait for the day The Green-Haired One does become bald, I think.
There is also a "Bad As I Wanna Dress: The Unauthorized Dennis Rodman Paper Doll Book" by Danny Smythe.
14. That they now have a version of the "Titanic" love theme, "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion, that is peppered with sound bites from the movie. Aaaaaaaarrrrrgggghhh!
Can't wait for the Ah Beng/Ah Lian Remix.
15. That Singapore Cable Vision's Cable Modem Trial is turning out to be a real trial for its users. Many have reported glacial speeds when connecting to overseas sites, sometimes slower than even regular 33.6 modem connections. To make things worse, some cable modem trial users are being deluged by spam, or junk email, in the form of companies advertising and guys trying to know girls, because of misuse of SCV's Announcement Mailing List. (Thanks wenning)
This is interesting, losers trying to pick up girls by sending out random email. These guys need to get out more. It is almost as bad as the ones who post on Usenet asking that SCGS girl at the Bukit Timah bus-stop carrying the blue Spice Girls folder at 4.13pm Tuesday the 10th of February if she would like to date him, the guy who was wearing the green shirt and khaki pants carrying a Backstreet Boys backpack. If she sees this and likes him too, please email him. And stay cool and funky always.
16. That recently there were ads for the new handsfree kits for StarTAC handphones. Finally, after months of waiting, StarTAC owners can join the rest of the handphone community. Apparently, you have to send your StarTAC in for "upgrading" in order to use these handsfree kits.
So let me see if I get this, you design a high-tech handphone, making it as slim as possible and loading it with all sorts of gizmos, and months later, include handsfree kit capability as an afterthought?
17. That after waiting for the Mega-Expensive, High-tech, Visionary Network, "TELEVIEW" since the 1993 General Elections, the residents of Eunos estate can today really feel part of the Great Singapore IT Experience when the S$100-million-dollar IT White Elephant is finally allowed to die.
18. That the University Alumni of NTU will be enjoying some extras in the form of a new NTU Alumni Town Club near Clark Quay in March. The Town Club will have a wide range of facilities including a lounge, gym and steam baths, jackpot room and karaoke rooms.
Not to be outdone, NUS will be offering to its Alumni an Email Forwarding Service.
19. That Singaporeans may not get to see Oscar-nominated movies like Martin Scorsese's "Kundun" and Paul Thomas Anderson's "Boogie Nights", because of the sensitive subject matter.
I suppose this is all related to what Chen Hwai Liang of the Ministry of Information and Arts said about us Singaporeans not being ready for the "social and moral challenges posed by the new multimedia technology [of satellite dishes]". It could take more than a generation, he says, for us to be sufficiently "vaccinated".
And to think that not long ago, Asia Magazine was talking about Singapore as Asia's Arts' Hub. Arts' Hub my behind.
20. That Indonesia may be planning on creating a Currency Board to peg the PSI Index to the US Dollar. It is understood that the forest fires are starting again and there is no money to deal with the problem of Haze Pollution. Hence the Indonesian government is looking into spending large amounts of available resources ignoring the problem.
21. That the beleaguered local sitcom "Three Rooms" recently aired the final episode of its first season. Some viewers on Usenet who saw that episode "liked the part where Bernard came out of the closet and moved in with the obese gentleman with yellow hair", but "thought the attempted gang rape of Diana Ser in rather poor taste though". (Thanks William Clinton)
Don't worry, viewers. Those of you who missed that crucial final episode will be able to catch it soon when TCS reruns the season due to its popularity. I hear that the second season will feature Mr Joe "Just Socks and Flowers" Augustin as Ix Shen's new live-in lover.
22. That the elite Raffles Girls' School now has some serious rules about where the students cannot go and what they cannot do in uniform after school. Apparently, French-kissing in public while in uniform is one no-no, especially with boys.
These rules are however, not as harsh as those of elite schools like St Nicholas Girls' School, which hires professional cameramen to patrol the mean streets of Orchard Road. Students caught flouting the uniform rules are allegedly shot. By the cameramen, I mean.
23. That the Singapore National Education series has finally found its way into the local press, with portions of SNE Part 26 quoted in Business Times (14th Feb Saturday, Executive Lifestyle section). I am deeply moved and flattered but it would have been nice if they had asked me first, or at least thrown a credit my way.
Shameless plug: See the BT article in Browntown's Gallery!
24. That in an unprecedented move in Singapore's corporate history, Singapore banks plan to improve transparency by exposing themselves when they release their 1997 results over the next few weeks.
The banks are likely to reveal what kind of underwear their CEOs and Upper Management wear to work, if any. Some rumours have surfaced that some Singapore bankers wear only white or blue pin-striped underwear, and sometimes white-collared blue underwear, in order to adhere to the spirit of the corporate dress code. Many in the banking community welcome the transparency.
A Big Four banker, when asked if the banks would expose themselves equally, said, "Some banks may want to reveal themselves more than others."
25. That some industry watchers are asking for similar transparency
from the female banking sector. "It will go a long way in helping us
forget that the economy is in the pits and that we are losing our jobs,"
said one male analyst.
By Lee Kin Mun (Copyright 1998)
All fan mail and soft toys may be directed at mrbrown@mrbrown.com
Other writings may be found in the Website "BrownTown" at http://www.mrbrown.com
