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Singapore National Education
Part 32
by mr brown
Week of 6 February to 13 February 1998
(Feel free to distribute for non-profit and non-commercial purposes but keep my byline, email address and URL intact please. Thanks)
1. That Microsoft is coming out with a PDA device called "Palm PC". Sounds familiar? The market leader for PDAs is a product by U.S. Robotics Corporation called "PalmPilot".
When a questioner asked Bill Gates if this might confuse consumers, Gates rejected the notion that the name was a "questionable use of market power." He said the name describes the product and the question "strikes me as beyond bizarre."
No wonder you and I are not billionaires. But at least we don't get pie thrown at our faces.
2. That every night, at around 2am, a TCS technician will trip over the power cable that powers all of TCS's hardware, and TV screens all over Singapore will have snow for a few seconds (while he scrambles to plug it back) followed by the message "We Apologise for the Transmission Breakdown". Every night.
(The technician part is just a theory, but the snow and message bit is true. Stay up and see for yourself if you don't believe me.)
3. That according to my wife, the three women involved in Bill "BJ" Clinton's sex scandals are Collie Flowers, Paula Abdul and Monica Canthenski.
This has been a report from The Oral Office.
4. That Monica Lewinsky is said to be pretty good at playing the piano, but she sucks on the organ.
5. That some optical shops have their staff wearing long white lab coats to project an image of competence. This is so that you know they are Professional and Medical-looking.
6. That Phua Chu Kang Pte Ltd fans are looking forward to the next season of the local comedy hit and TCS is obliging by letting us see the first season again.
7. That on Class 95FM recently, Joe and FD played a little promotional blurb by a new local singer, Tanya, just before playing her new song, and then towards the end of the song, played that blurb again and again. It sound something like this as the song fades:
"Hi, I am Tanya, and you're listening to my brand new hit song - Hi, I am Tanya, and you're listening to my brand new hit song - Hi, I am Tanya, and you're listening to my brand new hit song."
Her album is called "Bored".
8. That some Usenet readers have suggested that local singer Tanya remove some of that armpit hair if she plans on putting on another tank top for her future public performances.
9. That there are some really big Leonardo DiCaprio fans out there (and some underweight ones too). So for all you Lenny fans and those of you who lined up since Friday for the 8 Days Titanic Poster giveaway on Saturday the 7th of Feb, here is a URL at E! Online for more juicy info on Leo ("where he shops, who he dates, who colors those blond locks")! Plus, download the amazing, exclusive Leo screen saver! I kid you not.
More Leonardo for His Rabid Fans...
10. That my wife has become obsessed with watching Leonardo DiCaprio's earlier movies. She says that one of them is called "Who Eating Gilbert's Grapes?". I will ask the video store clerk.
11. That Singapore is going to send up its first satellite, what a technological breakthrough! On an unrelated note, Singaporeans are not allowed to own satellite dishes because of the fear that we might see something naughty.
Of course that last little fact was not mentioned in the satellite launch press release. Other countries might think that our government are control freaks or something.
12. That, speaking of naughty, Nanyang Technological University (NTU), commonly thought of as being somewhat staid, is experiencing an serious outbreak of Peeping Toms and panty stealing in its hostels.
Anyone with information on the Panty Stealers, please contact local authorities so that the underwear can be returned to their rightful owners. The loss of underwear is hampering many female students who study there, as the Lecher Theatres can be quite cold.
13. That NTU is on its way to producing some of our nation's finest scholars who will become future leaders of Singapore, fine young men who like to collect used women's underwear, especially black lacy bras.
14. That before you can say "Beng Remix", there will be a dance version of that "Titanic" Celine Dion song released by Avex Trax. (Thanks Marv)
(Boom boom boom-boom-boom) "Every night in my dreams (boom-boom-boom) I see you I f-f-f-feel you (boom-boom-boom, 25 minutes of electronic sounds and nuclear-powered bass, repeat)
15. That the above "Titanic" Dance Album CD will be continually advertised on TCS ad nauseam, especially late at night, when the rates are cheaper.
16. That along the upcoming North-East MRT Line, the new MRT station at Potong Pasir, an opposition ward, is called Sennett Station. Sennett is within a PAP ward.
17. That a recent report revealed that some women find housework erotic. Hmm, perhaps I need to try that mopping floor thing again.
18. That our soldier boys now get catered food, in plates instead of trays, and no longer need to wash their trays. The cookhouse will be operated by commercial caterers and no longer by Army cooks who spit in the food if they do not like you. This means that soldiers can express their disapproval of the sand in their vegetables without being killed with a blunt kitchen utensil.
Next month, I hear the SAF will allow soldier's maids to run their Standard Obstacle Course for them.
19. That disabled golfer Casey Martin, who is suffering from a debilitating circulation disorder that makes it painful for him to walk, sued the USPGA to allow him to use a golf cart for the competition, and he has won the case. The USPGA thinks that he has an unfair advantage and would rather he crawl in pain from hole to hole like a real man.
However, this cart rule is not applied to the Seniors Tour, because, as chairman of the PGA Tour Policy Board Richard Ferris puts it, "It's an economic factor. If Arnold Palmer has an arthritic hip and can't walk 18 holes... He's an economic draw. That's why we allow them to use carts."
So let me see if I get this. You can use a cart if you are an Economic Draw but if you are a Disabled Nobody, tough.
20. That Singapore Golf Association secretary Vincent Chua, when interviewed by the local press, insisted that "there cannot be a blanket ruling on such matters." He also highlighted that the Martin ruling was peculiar to the United States, which has the Disabilities Act. The Disabilities Act is an American law that protects the rights of the disabled.
I suppose it is easier to screw the disabled over here because we do not really have such an Act. I guess that is why the wheelchair-bound can't take public buses and ride the MRT in Singapore.
21. That police officers in the Indian state of Manipur will not be armed with guns come election day. This is to prevent gun-snatching by Rebel groups there. To deal with the potential violence on election day, the police officers will be using a combination of foul language and aggressive finger gestures instead. (Reuters report generated from stolen Bloomberg computer code)
22. That this Sunday, 15 Feb 1998, is the 56th Anniversary of the Fall of Singapore. According to the 2-page Ad in the papers, there will be an exhibition at Fort Canning entitled "The H.E.R.O.E.S. in Total Defence Exhibition". We do not know what H.E.R.O.E.S. stands for because T.H.E.Y. N.E.V.E.R. T.E.L.L. US.
23. That, speaking of Civil Defence, some Civil Defence (CD) Air Raid Shelters are being put to good use doubling as Medical Clinics, Provision Shops and lately, "Health Centres". I am not kidding. (Thanks Serfly)
It is good to know that if a Scud missile hits while you're being massaged by a "pretty and charming masseuse", you'll be safe.
24. That the masseuses working in this Civil Defence Air Raid Shelter are probably not part of the government's Total Defence Plan.
25. That as an answer to the Asian Crunch, some Thai minister suggested making Thailand the Breast Implant Capital of the world, so that tourists will flock to Thailand for cheap breast operations. The Thai retail market would also be stimulated (sorry for the pun) when the tourists buy new women's clothes for their new body.
Seems like Breasts are big in Thailand.
By Lee Kin Mun (Copyright 1998)
All fan mail and soft toys may be directed at mrbrown@mrbrown.com
Other writings may be found in the Website "BrownTown" at http://www.mrbrown.com
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