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Singapore National Education
Part 31
by mr brown
Week of 30 January to 6 February 1998
(Feel free to distribute for non-profit and non-commercial purposes but keep my byline, email address and URL intact please. Thanks)
I have also learned lately:
1. That, meaning no disrespect, somewhere out there, there are two brothers called Charles and Bronson. I am not making this up. I just want to say that my brothers and I are glad my mom was not a fan of Brad Pitt.
2. That the EC (Executive Condominium) project may well turn out to be an EC (Extremely Costly) project, now that demand for it is so low that some market watchers are asking for it to be scrapped.
3. That the rich woman who allegedly abused her 15-year-old Filipino maid told a Straits Times photographer, "Darling, it's not going into print. Don't waste your film".
I hope this does not come back and bite her. The Internet is a big big place, Dah-ling. Joe Augustin's "Boh Cheng Khor" pics (butt-nekkid photos) turned up on the Net the very next day after The New Paper published them...
4. That if you plan to abuse your maid with all sorts of inhuman acts, it is generally better to involve your young child as well, so that in the event of a court case, your names and photographs will not be made public because your kid is a minor. Then you can pass sarcastic remarks at newspaper photographers and generally gloat.
Also, it is good for the family to do things together.
5. That Monica Lewinsky was offered lots of money to pose semi-nude for Playboy. I also heard that Playboy magazine offered quite a bit of money to Joe Augustin never to pose naked ever again.
6. That after the incident where a Traffic Police BMW, rushing to a car accident, killed the poor man who survived the accident, suddenly everybody has an Evil Traffic Police story to tell.
Next Chinese New Year, Jackie Chan will make a movie about a Traffic Cop who drove too fast to the hawker centre car park to buy coffee and did not turn on his headlights. It will be called Police Story 5: The ERP Incident.
7. That if the bad drivers of Singapore don't kill you, the Traffic Cops probably will.
8. That they put a copy of The Straits Times in a time capsule lately. So in the far far future, when archaeologists dig it up, they too can enjoy Tan Sai Siong's stirring articles that Singaporeans loved so much.
9. That though the economic crises and retrenchments have cast a shadow of gloom over the country, there is light at the end of the tunnel yet - World Cup 98.
Get retrenched, collect salaries, watch all the matches, no need to fake illness for MC.
10. That for some who lost their jobs, like those in Seagate, the year-end bonus was renamed "retrenchment benefits". Gong Xi Raya, everyone.
11. That this economic crises is a good time to get rid of some of the workers you have been meaning to fire for a long time. Now you can do that and not mess up employee morale and your share price too much. I mean, how much worse can you do these days?
12. That following the success of the Kate Winslet nude sketching scene in Titanic, Gwyneth Paltrow will also be artfully sketched in the nude by Ethan Hawke in the upcoming movie Great Expectations (an adaptation of Charles Dicken's famous novel). Excuse me, I have to go and re-read my copy of Great Expectations.
13. That those with Great Expectations of Gwyneth Paltrow's nude sketching scene should probably bear in mind that she does not have Kate Winslet's Titanic proportions nor her Golden Globes.
14. That I have been told that some male fans of Titanic have taken to sketching as a hobby, and leaving their paper, pencils and erasers (I was going to say "rubbers" but it was not appropriate in a Family Magazine like ours) lying about, much to the chagrin of their wives.
15. That in a bid to help Singaporeans tide over the rough economic times, as part of its "Power to the People" campaign, Singapore Power has raised its Electricity rates.
The SingDollar has depreciated against the US Dollar by some 20% since January 1997. Yet, absolute oil prices has fallen by over 36% over the same period, which should more than counter the depreciation of the SingDollar against the US Dollar. (Thanks YF!)
In response to this increase in our operating costs, we here in Browntown have decided to retrench half our workforce and reduce the size of our magazine. Some parts of your Singapore National Education series may be cut off to save electricit--
16. That because of the appreciation of the US Dollar against the SingDollar, the coffee shop across the street has raised their prices for coffee and tea. Also, there will be one less fish ball per bowl of Fish Ball Noodles.
True Facts #357, some hawkers are already charging $2.50 per bowl, up from $2, because "Fish ball price go up alreddy."
17. That the week you plan a major move and launch for your website at <www.mrbrown.com> is the week your 21-inch monitor and your computer's expensive power supply decides to join the Big Happy Hardware Place in the Sky. Right after the wallet-deflating Chinese New Year season.
18. That Westerners used to believe that all Chinese know Kung-Fu. Now they also think we all walk around in trench coats firing two guns in slow motion, all the time.
19. That a recent "Shiver' episode had this Mortal Combat thing going with Robin Leong as a Kung-Fu guy. It was entitled "Year of the Tiger". Boy am I glad they didn't do this in 1993, or we would be seeing an episode called "Year of the Cock".
20. That just when you thought you saw the last of "Masters of the Sea", TCS went and did a comedy version of it called "Three Rooms".
21. That the Ministry of Education is opening up the textbook publishing market by allowing commercial publishers to put out school textbooks. Expect to see the "True Singapore Ghost Stories Assessment Book", "True School Ghost Stories Colouring Book" and the "Army Ghost Stories 10-Year Series" Coming Your Way soon.
22. That it is probably not wise to go up to the Subway counter and order a Subway sandwich by saying "Gimme a six-inch with Meatballs."
23. That, according to my reliable 12-year-old female informant, the authorities censored the scene from the movie "Spiceworld" , where Victoria (Posh Spice) asks the rest of the Spice Girls if her dress was too short, they tell her "No" and she proceeds to make it even shorter .
Yes people, you remember the scene, it was in the movie trailer they were showing day and night on TV. I guess the authorities thought that the kiddies had watched enough of that scene on TV already, and so decided to remove it from the movie itself.
24. That it is necessary to remove any scene from movies that involves short dresses, because school children might watch it and become social deviants, drug addicts or lawyers who have political aspirations. This would be detrimental to Asian Values and National Security.
25. That Bill Clinton's favorite movie
was apparently "Free Willy".
By Lee Kin Mun (Copyright 1998)
All fan mail and soft toys may be directed at mrbrown@mrbrown.com
Other writings may be found in the Website "BrownTown" at http://www.mrbrown.com
