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Singapore National Education
Part 30
by mr brown
Week of 23 January to 30 January 1998
(Feel free to distribute for non-profit and non-commercial purposes but keep my byline, email address and URL intact please. Thanks)
I have also learned lately:
1. That when you go to an obscure, lone ATM machine built in the middle of nowhere to draw money, that will be the day the skies open up in torrential rain, after a dry spell lasting days. And the nearest shelter is 3 kilometres away. And your umbrella is in another postal district, relaxing at home.
2. That the country's dry spell will be broken on the day you send your car for its expensive annual Pre-Lunar New Year polishing.
3. That on Usenet, there are some people selling "personal erotic CD-ROMs". Why would anybody pay good money to see what these people are doing with their Polaroid Spice Cams?
4. That the handphone is the only male phallic symbol where it is valid to say "Mine is smaller than yours."
5. That there is this new Vibrating handphone on sale now. Before you know it, there will be a lady's model with all sorts of additional accessories, long and short antennae, detachable knobs and longer battery life. And of course the packaging will feature a lady happily using the handphone for phone calls and shoulder massages. Riiiight. (Thanks BT!)
6. That the packaging for Personal Massagers shaped like electric cucumbers almost always feature a lady using said product for an intensely pleasant shoulder massage. I wonder what the rest of the appendages, um, the attachments are for then.
"The New CuCUMba 2000 Turbo(TM): Designed to reach hard-to-reach places!"
7. That on Page 2 of Thursday's Straits Times Life section (15th Jan 1998), the editor created a sidebar to an article on Getting Organised, by lifting large portions of text from the article itself, almost word for word, and adding bullets to them. How convenient.
I say we are getting value for money. Two identical articles for the price of one.
8. That some hawkers are so concerned with our hygiene that they use gloves to handle the food. And the change they return us. And the dirty dishes they wash. (Thanks dahril!)
9. That the controversial maverick who wants to clone humans to help couples have babies is a fertility doctor called Richard Seed. How appropriate.
10. That if parents want priority in the choice of their kids' school, they have to provide voluntary service to be part of the school's alumni. Can someone define "voluntary" for me again?
Perhaps this is all part of creating a society where graciousness and selflessness prevail, a society where we are not shackled by the love of material gain and a preoccupation with doing good deeds only for some kind of return.
11. That, speaking of voluntary, they are going to start a scheme in July whereby undergrads who do voluntary service will get priority when it comes to hostel admission. I hear that if you put in more hours, you can get a room with a view.
12. That an opposition politician asking for a pay cut on all MPs is using political rhetoric, but the common man taking a pay cut or losing his bonus or job, is facing up to economic realities.
13. That "VR Man", the new TCS science-fiction drama series, is probably the first local TV series to be panned even _before_ it is screened. And panned by the star of the show, James Lye, no less. Ouch.
14. That the less-than-successful Indonesian Taxi company that the beleaguered Peregrine invested in is called "Steady Safe". Kinda reminds me of "Honest Happy". (Thanks, Joel!)
Then again, this series is called Singapore National Education.
15. That most of our public and private car parks have parking lots for the handicapped, but our buses and MRT hardly cater to the handicapped. Let them buy their own cars seems to be the message.
16. That actress Judi Dench won the Golden Globe for Best Actress for her part in the movie about my wife, "Her Majesty Mrs Brown".
17. That a lot of people were staring at Kate Winslet's Golden Globes, even though she did not win anything. I heard they auctioned off her dresses from the movie "Titanic". They should have left her something to wear, poor thing.
18. That if you plan to fall asleep from reading at bedtime, it is not wise to chew gum. Although it does keep one's breath fresh in the morning.
19. That on Usenet, somebody asked the eternal question of man, "What fictions [sic] are interesting to read?" and a helpful fellow suggested "The Straits Times".
20. That we needed to read about Sumiko Tan buying a handphone in the 25th Jan edition of the Sunday Times. So exciting. Our lives are mundane by comparison.
Next week: Sumiko buys a hands-free kit! Read all about it! (Thanks scum!)
21. That there is now a Princess Diana scratch-and-win card available. How tasteful. Before you know it, there will be an England's Fairest Rose Commemorative Candle. Oh, you mean there already is?
22. That people who purchase and sleep on $1700 magnetic mattresses should not sleep with their ATM and Credit Cards under the pillow. Nor should they be wearing any nipple rings.
23. That people who are complaining about "Tonight With Gurmit" should not complain. Things could be worse. They could be invited to be part of the "wild and adoring audience". Worse, TCS could have made a "Tonight With Philip Mah".
24. That unbeknownst to us all, TCS also won in the "TV Station with the Most Good Shows in a Late Time Slot" category in the recent Asian TV Awards.
25. That in the original 3-hour version of "Heat", approximately
300 people died and half the LAPD was decimated in the gunfights.
In the abridged version screened by TCS5, about 3 people died
in the movie, mostly from old age.
By Lee Kin Mun (Copyright 1998)
All fan mail and soft toys may be directed at mrbrown@mrbrown.com
Other writings may be found in the Website "BrownTown" at http://www.mrbrown.com
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