We Have a Caller on Line 3,
Mr Brown

by mrbrown@mrbrown.com

(Feel free to distribute for non-profit and non-commercial purposes but keep my byline, email address and URL intact please. Thanks)

And so there are days like these when everything that can go wrong does. Project after project decide to become finalists in the Miss Project-from-Hell pageant and they choose to hold the Pageant during the very week you fall sick, slip your disc and your computer crashes. And every person involved in your Projects-from-Hell decides to call you.

Suddenly you hate your phone, your handphone and your pager with a hatred you have never felt before, except for the time when the "Char Kuay Teow" man messed up your order and put "hum" in your plate of "Char Kuay Teow".

(Loosely translated for the benefit of our international readers: except for the time the man who cooks "Heavenly But Deadly Dark Sauce Flat Noodles Swimming in Lard" messed up your order and put a lowly member of the oyster family into your plate of "Heavenly But Deadly Dark Sauce Flat Noodles Swimming in Lard")

It is enough to make a grown man cry. I hate "hum" as much as some of my friends hate bean sprouts.

Just when you think you have had enough of the wonders of modern telecommunications, you receive phone calls from weird new customers who call you to ask about a job they want done but you have to pry every piece of information from their white-knuckled hands -- top secret, politically sensitive information like, say, which company they are calling from, what their name is, who recommended them to you, what kind of business is their company in, and what is the nature of the project...

I mean, normally, when I get a call from a new customer, it is fairly straightforward. Within the first 15 seconds, the person on the other line would say something like, "Hi, is this The Type Shop Creative Services? You do Graphic Design, right? Well, my name is Mr Lim and I am calling from Hypothetical Corporation Pte Ltd. Your client Fictitious Pte Ltd introduced you to us. We are a consultancy company and we want to do a catalog, can we set up a meeting and discuss this job?" (And in case you're wondering, it _does_ take 15 seconds, I timed it.)

Pretty normal, right? Except I didn't get such info from this chap. We went round the merry bush for a few light years before he would tell me his name and company, and even then I only got some obtuse name like TTVC (the company name, not the guy's name). Oh, I see, I can immediately tell what your company does from _that_. Afterall, we are also The Type Shop Psychic Services as well.

And so I gamely press on, asking the man where he got to know of our company, because it is useful to find out who made the referral. Was it the Yellow Pages, another customer, a friend of mine?

The chap says, in a very suspicious tone, that he didn't think it was important.

Allllllrighty, scratch that racially sensitive question... "um, so what does your company do?" I ask in as cheery a voice as I can muster.

Pause. Deep thought. Must not let this guy know so much. Okay let's try, "Telecommunications".

Right. Now I am _really_ well informed. What, does he sell Pagers? Cellular phones? Cellular networks? Satellite dishes? Satellites? Whatwhat?!!

"What jobs have you done for what companies?" He asks. So I rattle off a few names, banks and suchlike. Annual reports and corporate stuff etc etc.

"Have you done anything for the (pause for effect) Telecommunications industry?" He asks.

So I wonder, well I did some work for a shop selling handphones some weeks ago and I do use the phone and fax a lot, I wonder if that counts.

I decide to be conservative and say," well, no, not really, but what exactly do you want done? I am sure we can help."

"No," he says, "no, I need someone who has done work for the _Telecommunications_ industry (there's that $1,000,000 Jackpot word again)."

"Um yeah, but what do you need done?" I ask.

Reluctantly, you can hear his eyeballs shift from left to right at this point, he says, "Catalog."

"Well, yes, we do a lot of those, shouldn't be a problem, why don't we meet up and we can discuss how we can help you get that out?"

"No," he says, "no, I really need someone who has worked for the _Telecommunications_ industry (ka-ching!! ka-ching!! Jackpot jackpot!!). And I don't think your company can do what we need. It's all right. Go bye."

"But um, we are a graphic design company, catalogs are right up our a--"

"Click!ToooToooToooToooToooTooo." replied the Telecommunications industry.

I was going to say "right up our alley" but I may as well have said "right up my ass" for that matter. I don't get it. What is this all about? I do work for all sorts of companies like banks, law firms, industrial companies, national football leagues and no one has ever asked me if I am a banker, lawyer, chemical engineer or soccer player. Neither do they care if I have done work for similar industries.

In fact some of my clients do not allow me to service clients in the same line, like cosmetics, for instance (due to possible conflict of interest, because I may let slip the secret formula to some New High-tech No-Smear Eye Shadow used by Astronauts on the Space Shuttle Enterprise or something). All they want to know is if I can do Annual Reports, catalogs, logos or funky new age graphs with pictures of cute teddy bears in it.

But then considering the bad week I was facing, the whole episode was a welcome relief. A man needs a good laugh once in a while. It restores my faith in a world that, when the waste product hits the fan, and you think nothing worse can happen, and all the bad stuff is out of the way, someone can throw you just one more pile of doggy doo.

The rest of my week should get better, except for that minor episode (they decided not to press charges) at the clinic when I walked up to the reception counter with my Clinic Appointment Card in hand and the lady asks, "Here to see the doctor, ah?"

No, no, of course not. I am here to do work for the Telecommunications Industry.

All fan mail and soft toys may be directed at mrbrown@mrbrown.com

Other writings may be found in the Website "BrownTown" at http://www.mrbrown.com

We Have a Caller on Line 3, Mr Brown

We Have a Caller on Line 3,
Mr Brown