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Singapore National Education
Part 36
by mr brown
Week of 6 March to 13 March 1998
(Feel free to distribute for non-profit and non-commercial purposes but keep my byline, email address and URL intact please. Thanks)
I have also learned lately:
1. That those 1-900 chat lines ("Would you like to be..." "My friend?" Cue: Fun music) have been found to be great sources of phone sex and dirty talk. Now I understand where they get the money to advertise all day and all night long on TV.
"Harro? I is Jackson Noodle Chan. I live in Tampanis. I like Aqua and Barbie Girl. If you likes men with big modified exhaust pipe and huge powerful Dohc, plis 'kah' my pager. Stay cool and funky always."
2. That there is now a Kenny G version of "My Heart Will Go On". And it will probably be played in elevators and weddings everywhere. I cannot wait for the Kitaro and Yanni version. Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh!
3. That Johor lorry drivers will be forced to use the Causeway despite the jams. This is because it costs them about M$8.20 in tolls using the Causeway but if they use the Second Link (NOT a new boutique formed by Second Chance fashions and The Link boutique) they will have to pay about M$120.
The only group of users who have expressed interest in paying those prices are the smugglers of illegal Malaysian workers. But they would like some bulk discounts.
4. That the chief of EDB who named three scholars for breaking their bonds has been himself named during a Budget Debate by MP Chng Hee Kok (MP in East Coast GRC), whom he pissed off.
He was also taken to task by other MPs like Dr Tan Cheng Bock (MP for Ayer Rajah). In that session, MP Chng Hee Kok, as well as MP Leong Horn Kee (MP for Bishan-Toa Payoh GRC), also came out of the closet to reveal that they too were bond breakers once.
Life moves in strange circles.
5. That bond breaking is officially wrong, dishonourable and immoral, according to BG Lee's spirited defence of Philip Yeo's Name-and-Shame policy. I wonder what they are going to do with all those bond-breaking MPs in Parliament now. Good men are so hard to find these days.
6. That EDB Chairman Philip Yeo lives in West Coast Rise which is under Dr Tan Cheng Bok's constituency. Will Dr Tan still be hanging his campaign posters at the lamp post outside Mr Yeo's house next election? Will Mr Yeo still invite Dr Tan in for drinks during the next election walkabout? Gee, if any upgrading takes place there, I hope they do not pass Mr Yeo's house over.
7. That after the Chng-vs-Yeo fracas over the incident where EDB chairman Philip Yeo allegedly tells MP Chng Hee Kok (who opposed his naming-bond-breakers policy) to resign if he does not agree with his policy, the Government may seriously reconsider calling the Administrative arm, the CIVIL Service, and its people there, Civil SERVANTS.
8. That when Members of Parliament and powerful Civil Servants clash, in full view of the media and the public, it is not a pretty sight. But most definitely more enjoyable than "Shiver". At least there was no biting of ears. Now why can't TCS have "Shiver" or "Fame Awards" plots like this?
"Tonight With Gurmit! His guests MP Chng Hee Kok and EDB Chairman Philip Yeo face off! Gurmit will try to keep things CIVIL (rim shot) and humorous! You are bond to be entertained (rim shot)! Special guest appearance by Sonny 'Larry King' Lim! Don't miss it!" (Cue: same old shot of same old orgasmic audience clapping and cheering like they are high on superglue)
9. That it was morally wrong for Gurmit to call himself "The Most Powerful Dude in Town". That title belongs to Philip Yeo of the EDB.
10. That it is perfectly okay to bring up personal disputes with top civil servants during a publicly televised Budget debate in Parliament.
"Related, what! Budget debate, big shot civil servant asked me to resign and hurt my feelings. Related, what!"
11. That BG Lee, in trying to come up with examples of other countries that publicise the names of bond breakers (See? Singapore not the only one!), cited USA as one country where those who defaulted on their study loans got their names publicised on the Internet.
Oh, I see the similarity. The healthcare professionals in the USA defaulted on their study loans, that is, they did not pay back the loans when they had the means to. The Singapore scholars who got named paid everything back with 10% compound interest.
And water used for a Silicon Wafer plant has the same returns as water used for my Jacuzzi.
12. That the Government can follow the US example and set up a "Name That Bond Breaker" website on the Internet <www.bondbreaker.com.sg>. We could even have a 1-900 hotline (no sexy messages please) and special prizes for people who send in names.
"New names added today! Click on the names to see the bond-breakers biodata (age, weight, distinguishing marks, etc), home address and telephone number, and recent family photos! Send the bond-breakers hate email through our Guest Book! Read their confidential email to the NCB and EDB! All right here on <www.bondbreakers.com.sg>! Children under the age of 18 please seek parental approval."
13. That your private email and confidential departmental notes can become national TV readings when the occasion demands it, as evidenced by the public release of Hector Yee's private email to the NCB and public discussion of the private meeting between Chng and Yeo on "Today in Parliament".
You should be able to buy the book with all these details at all fine bookstores next month. Also watch for the upcoming episode of "Today in Parliament" where the steamy emails of some private individuals and will be read aloud in relation to the Budget 98 report.
14. That there is talk that some MPs may bring up other instances where they were slighted and asked to resign. Apparently, during one of their pre-Election Constituency walkabouts, one of them (MP for Cheng San-Jurong-Braddell-Sixth Ave GRC) was asked by some 79-year-old (non-elected) aunty to resign.
The feisty old lady apparently said, "Why I never see you around one hah? 4 years onnee see you one time! My block always so dirty one! Call yourself my MP some more. I think you should resign, you know!"
Full transcripts of that heated meeting and related private email will be made available at the next televised Budget debate. Some public naming will be involved.
15. That it is unlikely that well-loved elected leaders Saddam and Suharto will be asked to resign by any of their civil servants or 79-year-old citizens, judging from their popularity and the rapturous applause they get when they so much as sneeze.
16. That the hardest reform to carry out in Indonesia is to fire and find alternative employment for her 25 trillion generals.
They should follow our example and put some Generals in politics and hire some Majors as physical education teachers and managers (some with $5000 per month salaries!) in schools.
17. That some retired SAF officers have been appointed as operations managers in schools as part of SAF scheme to help its retirees find second careers. The selection was based on good military record, rank and attitude towards children. Former officers who hate children are apparently not chosen for this job (I think they get to become Primary school teachers instead, but I am not sure).
Interviewer: "So what do you think of children?"
Interviewee: "I think children are <censored> little spoilt brats who need to be <censored> beaten into submission and made to sign <censored> extras in order for them to grow up into <censored> real men."
Interviewer: "Thank you, Major Lim. That said, you do like children, do you not?"
Interviewee: "Love the <censored> little fellas."
Also, former officers who enjoyed "tekan" (torture) sessions and sadistic military punishments are not chosen. Apparently, schools do not employ the same disciplinary measures as Basic Military Training.
18. That there are pirated Video CDs of the Jackie Chan movie "Who Am I?" being sold openly, complete with Board of Film Censors stickers. Apparently, the Board does not see it as its duty to vet pirated goods and concerns itself only with the censorship. Also, for films censored by the Board, there is a levy for every VCD, LD or VHS movie sold.
I will not be surprised if one day, the Board gets raided and charged with copyright violations, since it also makes money off the pirated goods it approves. They are probably getting better margins than the pirates themselves.
19. That new up-and-coming Phlegm Awards winner, Mr Ah Lah Mak, is facing a problem with the use of his name on TCS programmes. The new host of "Tonight With Ah Lah Mak" (TWALM) has been asked to use another stage name so as not to violate the new TV guidelines that seek to minimise the use of local colloquialisms on local TV programs.
Said Mr Ah, "My producer asked me to think of a new name, or else they will censor my show. They say there is too many 'alamaks' and other local slang on TV today. I think I will have to use my other name, 'Leonardo'"
Another star who faces a similar problem is Mr Ah's cousin, also in the TCS, the promising comedian Otto Wah Piang Eh.
20. That one contestant on The Pyramid Game was really on a roll when her celebrity guest Mark Chan said, "And the opposite of analog is..."
"Catalog!" shouted she.
The answer he was looking for was "digital".
21. That it is a good thing Mark Chan did not say, "And the opposite of unique is...". The contestant might have said "Eunuch!" In TV games like these, I always say, "Patience is a Virgin".
22. That TCS is discouraging their young stars from taking up part-time jobs like selling insurance because of the adverse effects it may have on their public image.
One star, who was not named in this Straits Times snippet, said, "Stars don't just have to emit light. We gotta eat too. Pay us more and we will stop moonlighting!"
I really think TCS is right in enforcing this rule because, God forbid, the public might start to think that they do not pay their "stars" enough.
23. That insurance companies should forget about trying to recruit people at Career 98 and set up booths in the TCS canteen. They could also try recruiting at The Fame Awards.
Pop Quiz: if too many TCS stars become insurance agents, who do they insurance sell to?
24. That my grapevine tells me that one of the Fame Awards semi-finalists went through more than 26 takes looking at the camera when she was not supposed to, causing even the normally-calm UK acting coach to scream at her in frustration. They gave up in the end and let the aspiring starlet commit acting suicide on national TV when they just could not stop her from looking at the camera. Watch for it in the next Fame Awards semi-finals.
25. That TCs could make a telemovie or even a series about the bond-breakers and name it "Under One Bond" or "Bond Free".
And we've had a myriad of TCS8 dramas on the police, armed forces and nurses. How about one on MPs and Civil Servants? Oh, I forgot. They already have a series like this.
It's called "Today in Parliament".
By Lee Kin Mun (Copyright 1998)
All fan mail and soft toys may be directed at mrbrown@mrbrown.com
Other writings may be found in the Website "BrownTown" at http://www.mrbrown.com
